Today over at my SHAMELESS BLOG, I talk about “Saving Room For Dessert”.  It’s really an important topic! Especially when you are in the midst of all the crap that life can throw at you – like infertility. We can get so lost treatment schedules, needles, money issues, and our fear of failure that we can’t think beyond the next moment of possible disappointment.

Sometimes it seems that folks who are going through infertility make more room for getting ready for pain than for pleasure. I get it. I did it. If I did a mental run through of what it would be like to get the call from the nurse telling me that I wasn’t pregnant – if I could just accept that I wasn’t pregnant before I got the call – then perhaps it wouldn’t hurt so much when I did. It was survival tactic – and it kind of worked – sometimes.

I wasn’t much for positive thinking back then – there was just too much hurt.  So I won’t pontificate about how you should cope with the pain of infertility – because it is painful. But I am going to offer up an infertility survival tip – take a short break for pleasure in your life.

I know that you may have to do this with great intention – especially if you are in the midst of your first IVF cycle – or just got some news that you wish didn’t belong to you. But do something nice this weekend – just for pleasure’s sake.  I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is not doing something like cleaning your house. Or maybe it is something grand – like trying out that tasting menu at some fabulous dining spot. Just do it.

If you need to justify it – remember that pleasure reduces stress – and stress reduction is good for conception. By bringing pleasure back into your life you will remind yourself that life is not just about a baby bump – no matter how much you may want it.  But it is always about a beautiful August day, an ice cream cone – and taking a walk on the beach.

Posted under IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, conception tips, inspirational thoughts

Time does march on. Elizabeth Carr , America’s first “Test Tube Baby” is all grown up and as reported in papers all over the place – has become a mother of a beautiful little boy.  Yes – she reports – she had her baby “the old fashioned way”. And she talks a lot about what life was like growing up under the micro scope of being a high profile high tech kid.

I first met Elizabeth Carr at a World Fertility Awareness Month  (WFAM) event that I ran as Executive Director and Founder of The American Fertility Association – back in the day. I had created WFAM to have a pink ribbon kind of event for everyone around the world to come together during the month of June to recognize infertility. We gave the logo out to anyone that wanted to use it to raise awareness  on a global scale of infertility, as well as a tool kit for running WFAM events.  It was very successful – and the United Nations offered to host one our celebrations in NYC.

We decided to focus the event around the kids of IVF – something that I was deeply committed to. We had a panel of kids who were “Test Tube” conceived,  talk about how they felt about being an IVF kid. We had Elizabeth Carr, two young ladies from Ireland and my two sons speak. It was a wonderful event.

Here were these kids – talking about how grateful they were for the science that gave them life. But it was also more than that – they spoke with compassion for their parents and the pain that they went through with infertility. These kids wanted other potential parents to know – that it could be alright. That they could be born – that it was possible – and as the saying goes “The Kids Are All Right!”

It was a wonderful day to remember. And when I came across the coverage that sweet, bright, vocal Elizabeth was now a mom – and still speaking out. I was really moved.  My sons, Tyler and Spencer also spoke all over the world about being an IVF kid. And now too – they are IVF men. Tyler has graduated college and has a big boy job. And Spencer will be going off to college in a month.

One day before I know it – I will be a grandmother. And that’s what it’s all about. IVF simply let us join in on this fabulous human experience of having a family.

Congratulations Elizabeth!

Posted under Advocacy, Biological Clock, Elizabeth Carr, Fertility, Fertility Education, Fertility Support, IVF, IVF Kids, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, The American Fertility Association, World Fertility Awareness Month, inspirational thoughts

I was reminded just the other day of the concept of “The Wounded Healer” by a fertility blogger named Keiko Zoll. Keiko writes a truly fabulous blog call “Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed” – and she has been doing this wonderful blog series on being an advocate.  I was truly touched and reminded about my own wounded healer in reading her words in A Belly Full of Fire: The Wounded Healer. Keiko like so many advocates – started her blog out of a desire to express her experience – to fill some unnameable void – to shout into the universe all that was in her heart and in her belly – and in doing so – by speaking with a courageous honesty – she found a community and became a healer. Her words touched hearts and erased the pain of feeling alone  for others. Keiko writes from her gut and  it is that kind of writing – that kind of honesty that touches people.

You don’t need a medical degree to be a healer. You can be a healer by raising money to support a cause  – my colleague and friend Andrea Bryman Lmft is walking to raise money for breast cancer (make a donation here) and recently another colleague and friend Amy Demma was so touched by friend’s struggle with cancer that she has decided to make her facebook status and all manner of communication on Monday’s dedicated to fertility and cancer.  She asked her friends to support her just by talking about the issues (Pam waving at Amy in support). And my husband loves telling this story about a nun who came to our summer house looking for clams to help cure cancer and I just found this piece about her in an old People’s Magazine.  Oh yes – Sister Arline also had fire in her belly.

You see – once you get a fire in your belly – anything is possible.  It is often that place of disbelief, that place at the edge of pain where the most incredible creation and healing can happen.  It was so good to be reminded of that this week. Even this old dog advocate sometimes needs encouragement to keep on keeping on.  You see – its not always fun and games – this place of “Fire in The Belly”.  Sometimes – writing, doing, and change making from the place of the wounded healer can be very vulnerable work.  I remember going on the Joan Lunden Show – my first media appearance with my baby in my arms – to talk about IVF.  I wanted to show that IVF babies were normal and beautiful. I remember how my knees shook – and how scared I was. I was coming out on national television as a woman who had infertility – and had an IVF baby.   My husband and I were so worried that other parents would in some way classify our kid as an IVF  experiment. We were really scared – IVF was so new 20 years ago. But we had a fire in our belly. We needed to talk to get the word out about infertility and the possible solutions.  We needed to show the world that IVF kids were normal. And so I went.  That day was perhaps my first day  as a wounded healer.

Once  you start your first blog,  write your first article, walk your first walk, or do whatever it is that you need to do for your own healing -  you may  find  that you too have taken your first steps on the road of the wounded healer.  It is through that delicious fire in the belly place – that all changes happens. And don’t worry if you sometimes you feel scared and alone.  When you hit that place – just take a breath and know that you are building a bridge for others to walk across.

Thanks Keiko for the reminder.

Posted under Advocacy, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Keiko Zoll, inspirational thoughts

I have built a life on being a big girl with big appetites, energy, creative gumption and and a tremendous will to get things done. And guess what? Things fall a part for me too.  Sometimes – I just want to scream! There are days when I feel like nobody loves me – or appreciates me.  And there are also days – where I feel like not only can’t I get anything right – but the pile of wrongs just get higher and higher! Does that ever happen to you? That no matter how hard you put it out there – and give it your very best shot – you just don’t get back the effort that you are putting in?

What happens when you get a negative pregnancy test? Or when things aren’t going well with your IVF cycle, and the doctor suggestions that you cancel this cycle?  How are you feeling about facing “Mother’s Day”?

How do you cope? How do we find inner peace?  When I was going for a particularity difficult time in my life – I discover Pema Chodron. Pema became not only a comfort for me, but my teacher – even though I never met her.

I have listened to her voice for hours on my iPod. Pema is a Buddhist Nun who has authored many books.  One of my favorite’s is called “When Things Fall Apart”.

There is a fabulous interview with Pema Chodron on Oprah’s website - where she touches upon some of the basic principles of her teachings. My favorite teaching, and one that I always come back to – is the power of staying with uncomfortable feelings – and uncomfortable situations. So many of us try to run away and drown our feelings – we want to escape them. We don’t like that awful crunching feeling in our bellies – or the tightening of our throats.  So many of us would do anything to avoid those feelings – and we try to drown them out in many ways such as using food, drugs, drinking, shopping, or even becoming argumentative and depressed. What Pema teaches is that by viewing painful feelings or emotions as something that can actually bring us closer to the truth than something to be avoided – that we could change the trajectory of our lives.

What Pema is teaching, is that when things feel like they are falling apart – like a failed pregnancy attempt – instead of running from the pain – try to stay with it. Truly feel it.  Trying to look at the “bright side” may not be helpful.  If we can manage to stay with the pain – really touch the rawness of our feelings – great insights and learning can come from it. Now – this can feel really, really bad.  No one is saying that there is anything pretty about connecting with the rawness of pain, uncomfortable emotions, and disappointment. But we all have this negative feelings in our life. No one can align the universe all the time to have things just the way we want them constantly. So there a lot of potential human growth experiences out there! Are we lucky?

What Pema teaches is that we really try to let ourselves touch the rawness of the feelings. Really sit with the feelings – and breathe deeply into them. Yes – literally sit and breathe it in the painful feelings and then breathe them out in the exhalation. Pema coaches that it is often helpful to think that other people also feel this pain. You are not alone in your frustrations, disappointments, and pain.  There are always other people who are feeling in this moment just what you are feeling. You are never alone in pain.  And just touching that knowledge in your discomfort connects you with empathy and compassion to others.  I love this snipet of conversation between Oprah and Pema:

OPRAH: As you wrote in When Things Fall Apart, “This very moment is the perfect teacher.” One thing I’ve learned to ask, especially in difficult situations, is “What is this here to teach me?”

PEMA: That’s a very powerful way to look at it. People often use spirituality like medicine when they’re in a tough situation, and they start coming up with their own ways of expressing it, as you just did. All religions point to the fact that being fully present is the only state in which you can wake up—not by somehow leaving. So you have to find your own simple, grounded language to say that to yourself, and that’s a beautiful way to express it: What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me? Another one that I love is “This is a unique moment. Maybe I’m glad about that because it’s painful, but I don’t want to waste it, because it’s never going to happen again this way. So let’s taste it, smell it, experience it.”

OPRAH: You also wrote in When Things Fall Apart that every day gives us an opportunity to either open up or shut down, and that the most precious opportunity presents itself when you think you can’t handle whatever is happening. So if, in that moment, you can train yourself to open up instead of shutting down…

PEMA: That’s exactly when you get a real transformation.

What I have found is that when I don’t run from painful situations, if I really allow myself to stay with what ever is causing me terrible anxiety – I am able to come out on the other side in a brand new way. Situations and opportunities open for me. It can feel almost magical. The key for me has been in not avoiding uncomfortable situations that cause me anxiety – and opening my heart in loving compassion to the people, situations or things that have brought me such distress.

Infertility is an incredibly painful life crisis. We can rail against it – or we can try to find our own path through it.  Running away from our emotions won’t help. It only drowns us.  And you might not be struggling with infertility – even if it is one of my favorite subjects to talk about.  We struggle with all kinds of things throughout our lives.

Consider picking up “When Things Fall Apart” – there is much gold to be mined between the pages.

What do you do to find inner peace and cope with what may feel like it is beyond you? Please leave your words of wisdom here! I love hearing from you!

Posted under Fertility, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Integrated Woman, Oprah, inspirational thoughts

My eyes always latch onto the ways women are portrayed  in the media. Glamour Magazine is on The Today Show again talking about “Are “REAL” woman Sexy?”  There is a lot to love in this new beginning of self acceptance for women in the media -  and so much shake our heads at.  As these new images of women are still women who are simply not just a size zero – perhaps they are a size 10? Yes – I get it – for the modeling world these women are plus sizes. For the rest of us – they simply look a little more average – but not even close the average size woman in the United States which is a size 14.

When you are a women who struggles with her weight – you get the message really early on that you don’t fit. For so many people who struggle their weight – it is often a life long struggle that starts in their youth.  For me – I began to “become chubby” when I was a preteen.  It’s not that you don’t start out feeling beautiful inside – most of us do.

It is the constant messages from our culture that begins to do the damage.  When I was a little  “husky” pre-teen  (I am in my forties), there wasn’t the kind of clothing that is available today.  The plus sizes was a small section in the back of the department store – the selection tiny. I was forced into matronly stretch pants while my thin girl friends got to wear hip huggers and bell bottoms.

I wanted to wear what my friends were wearing – and express who I was through my clothing as a young girl – and those options simply weren’t available to me. The resulting message was clear to me – I was not desirable.  I was a misfit.  If beauty is skin deep – if it comes from within and then is reflected out – how we perceive ourselves first is key. And unfortunately – it is often society that shapes our own perception.  It is a dance of mirrors – we reflect out – and the world reflects back at us.

The images of feminine beauty has shifted through the years – and women expect their bodies to shift with the changing fashion.  The world is looking for a pink pill to fix sexual dysfunction. But will a pink pill really fix female sexual desire? Or is it something much deeper than a disease of the body that needs support and acceptance for a woman to be able to touch her own sexual soul and name her own desire? Kudos to Lane Bryant – for putting out there images of woman with flesh who are role modeling desire in bodies that have flesh on them.  I believe that woman need to see themselves as desirable in order to start feeling their own desire. It’s much harder work – than taking a pink pill – but it might actually work.

Posted under Desire, Female Self Image, Female Sexual Desire, Integrated Woman, Low Sexual Desire, Sex, Sex Education, inspirational thoughts, sexual dyfunction, sexual health, sexuality

I have been around National Infertility Awareness Week for a very long time – and frankly I don’t ever remember the community working together quite this like to raise awareness.  Perhaps it is the rise of bloggers, Facebook and twitter that have enabled people to become advocates in their own way and add their voices to the cause.  I am not really sure what it is….but I am loving the feeling of a community that is joining hands.

The folks who Twitter are working to get infertility as a trending topic on Twitter by #infertility repeatedly.  The Facebookers are sharing writings and activities – helping to encourage each other to do more.   So here is a taste from around the web:

At Fertility Ties they are having have daily tips,  and contests with prizes!Their main theme is hearing from their users, experts and Doctors what this week means to them and what would they want to be achieved. They also created an Infertility Awareness ribbon that users can easily put in their blogs, or any social networks.

Posted under East Coast Fertility, Face of Fertility, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Education, Fertility Support, Fertility Ties, Infertility Funding, RESOLVE, infertiity, inspirational thoughts

I have spent a life time coming to terms with my food, and my body.  I clearly remember being a chubby little girl growing up on Long Island – my father was in textiles – import and export.  He was working with a “Count” in Italy. Even as a little girl, I remember flirting with him – wanting his attention.  The Count was lovely and sweet with me – and I remember my mother always so concerned about my weight – coming into the kitchen where the Count was having coffee and chatting with me – and catching her little daughter vying for the handsome man’s attention. “Tell her” my mother said, “That Italian men like their girls skinny”.

I remember dying just a little bit inside.  I can still feel my little girl cheeks flushing red and hot. The tears behind my eyes. My mother meant well – it was her way of encouraging me to watch my weight. But I remember being embarrassed and devastated. It was to be just one of many lessons that I was given as a young girl that I was not perfect just the way that I was. That somehow I was broken and undesirable.

I don’t ever remember food being for me. Cookies, or french fries were never something that I was entitled to enjoy and have if I wanted them.  So certain foods became “illegal” foods for me.  I ate them – don’t get me wrong – but the consuming of them was a secret.   Somehow – food became a sedative – something that I ate when no one was looking to lull me into a state of not thinking.

Like so many women – I have spent a lifetime sorting out my relationship to food – and my body.  There is a reason that Geneen Roth’s new book “Women, Food and God” is a best seller.  Woman just can’t get a grip on their relationship with food and their bodies.

For so many women like me -  eating can be a drug and I pay attention to how I use food. Am I eating because I am truly hungry? Or am I eating because of something else – and trust me you don’t want to read the list of Pamela’s reasons to eat.  I mostly have used food to avoid feeling – to numb out. Infertility used to be a great reason.  Now there are other reasons to abuse food….it’s funny how some things change and other things stay the same. The reasons don’t really matter – the solution was always the same.

Disordered eating and it’s twin sister, Disordered Body Image plagues millions of women and when you add in another life crisis such as infertility – the use of food through restriction (to feel control in an uncontrollable time in our lives) or through over eating to numb our feelings can reach crisis proportions.  And to make things for women struggling with food, body image and infertility even more complicated – what about those doctors that are not treating women with high BMIs? The possibilities for pain seem endless.

It is not just the over or under eating that plagues us – it is also how we see and feel our own bodies.  Or don’t feel our own bodies.  How many of us have simply turned into a face in the mirror?

Our bodies and how we feel about our physical selves is a loaded subject all by itself. But it’s all connected – and if you are going through infertility your body may feel like it no longer belongs to you.  In so many ways – you may feel like you have handed over your body to doctors, medications, and procedures. You may be completely furious with your physical self for not giving you what you need your body to give you – whether it is as simple as a positive response to treatment, ovarian reserve or a baby. You may feel completely disembodied from your physical self – and this can impact every part of your life from your self esteem,  increased depression, heightened feelings of anxiety, and your sex life. Never mind how you may also feel trying on a new outfit and trying to feel attractive in the skin you are in.

The first step in gaining some semblance of sanity in this very complicated dance between our food, our bodies, and how life constantly impacts that relationship is to stop whatever you are doing and feel. Sounds simple huh?

It’s not. I am going to talk more about this tomorrow.  But in the meanwhile – pick up Geneen Roth’s new book. It’s a great way to begin the conversation with yourself.  And please feel free to also start a conversation here. How has infertility impacted your self image, your relationship with your body and food?

Posted under Eating Disorders, Fat, Female Self Image, Fertility, Food and God", Geneen Roth, Infertility, inspirational thoughts, sexuality

Did you know that March 8th was International Women’s Day? Did you know that according to Wikipedia that International’s Women’s Day is “s a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements.

Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother’s Day and St Valentine’s Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner”. Who knew? I didn’t.

But you learn everything in life on Facebook! And that is where i found out that I had indeed missed International Women’s Day.  I kind of felt a little bit better when I realized that I wrote about being a Fearless Woman yesterday.

Being fearless has been kind of a theme for me in the past few weeks ever since the “Fertility Authority” featured my blog and they described me by calling me “Fearless”.  It kind of made me smile because I had never thought of myself as fearless – to me I was perhaps shameless.  But fearless?

What I do know is that, like so many women around the world, I have had an incredible and varied life.  I live full out. I play full court – and I make no excuses for myself.  And for so many women, we live in a time where we can finally integrate our lives.  Now, once upon a time – I didn’t integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another….We are either “professional” or “homemakers” – we are either “Madonnas or Whores”.  But what if you were allowed as a woman to have a fully integrated life? What if you could have a professional life, and still have a family? What if being a successful lawyer didn’t mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under  your business suit – and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work? Could women truly have it all?  Isn’t this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now – and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn’t have to choose? That everything could happen in it’s own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Was this possible? Maybe not everywhere in the world right now perhaps – but I do believe that this possibility does exist right now in many places of the globe.

Think about it. Could we actually be mothers, Madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time? Would society know how to wrap their arms around that?  What is going on with women who are hooked up to machines in a study to look at their sexual response – and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman’s mind does not? What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibly broken in that.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman’s sexuality is still used to punish her.  And even today – it is. But like New Hampshire passing gay marriage – we are a country in transition. And I believe that we are closer than ever to supporting women living fully integrated lives.

Sociologists and sex perts are finally writing about the new integrated woman – and that’s a start. But who are the brave women out there who will do it and speak it?

Can you wear something sexy to work and still be taken seriously? For a good long while – before Katie Couric showed  her legs on The Today Show – the answer was no. But I have been watching those anchor women in the morning – and their sexuality has been starting to bloom – even as they have interviewed Presidents and talked about the issues that their kids were having in school. I love that.  They are all people – and they do not hide their sexuality – their  motherhood or their professional  smarts. They are clear that all of those pieces of themselves is a part of who they are as women.

And I have been as guilty of it as the next person. There was this one pharmacy rep that sent out this really sexy picture of herself in a Christmas outfit last year – and everyone was tearing her apart. How dare she? Who did she think she was? How could she show herself as sexy and playful? She was after all a “Professional”!!!! Oh well. Perhaps we were all a little jealous of her carefree, youthful  and yes – sexy spirit! What is it that gets us all fired up? Is it that we think that we are supposed to be this judgmental? Or were we simply happy to dismiss her as a slut? It was after all so much easier than seeing her as a full person.

I love that Oprah is getting on the band wagon. Several recent shows have explored a woman’s sexuality – and she has even taken sex toys to the stage. Oprah is saying that she cares about women being  integrated beings when she does these kinds of shows. And I love that.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. Recently one of the Miss America’s made big news when some topless photos showed up of her – you see – she was allowed to look sexy – to tantalize us in her bikini body – but not actually show us her breasts. Kind of interesting huh? In the end – The Donald realized how silly it all was – and the girl has her crown for a little while longer!

I love that we have a first lady who has the right to bare arms and those fabulous legs.  Our first lady – and frankly our President are clearly sexually integrated people. They are alive – and that aliveness permeates everything that they do. Mrs. Obama can be sexy and serious – and be a parent.  She is able to be a full woman – and I love that she is being a role model for other  women in this regard.

I have been talking a lot lately about how confused we are as a nation when it comes to our gender roles, our sexuality, and what is allow able and what is not.  We get glimpses of celebrities who are under the full view finder of the camera being sexual beings – and it freaks us out in the moment. Whether it is Brittany Spears forgetting her panties – or Paris  Hilton’s private sex tape (by the way I recently saw that in the Museum of Sex). But I am hoping that this too shall pass.

Look to France where a nude portrait of French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni will go under the hammer in New York next month, according to auctioneers Christie’s.

The 13 x 10 1/8 inch gelatin silver black and white photograph was taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world’s top fashion models, and is being sold by art collector Gert Elfering.

Carla Bruni who is now beloved by all – started her public life as a mistress, actress,  and as a model that sometimes posed nude. Yet she looked quite lovely when she met the Queen of England. Yes – my dearies – we can live in full color and have integrated lives. Nothing is stopping you but a little bit of fear – and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.

And it just one day past International Women’s Day!  Take my hand – the water is fine.

Posted under Egg Freezing, Facebook, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Preservation, Integrated Woman, International Women's Day, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, inspirational thoughts, sexual health, sexuality

There is a famous quote from  Mark Twain where he responds to someone saying that “Life is tough”.  Mr. Twain reportedly replied “Compared to what?”

It seems that everywhere I turn, I am being provided with helpful tips on how to survive the holidays. Frankly I didn’t know that the holidays were out to get me. But everyday press releases come into my mail box with healthful tips to get me through the holidays. Even Dr. Oz is worried about how my heart is going to make it through the stress caused by family, stressed finances, and over indulgence. Apparently the holidays are so stressful that people have heart attacks!

The infertility websites are giving out all kinds of advice to those of you that are trying to conceive. They want to make sure that you don’t self destruct in front of your family or take them out with you.

And you know – some of it is that same old tired advice about skipping holiday parties and giving yourself permission to hide. You would think that after all these years, we would come up with some new suggestions! I especially love the monotone in which so much of this is delivered to us. Oh yeah – I am inspired and feel very “Ho Ho Ho”.  NOT.  Some of these “helpful hints” are really depressing me! Great, will be stress free but incredibly sad!

Look, it’s not like I don’t get it. The holidays can be challenging – but life can be challenging.  Don’t worry – I am not going to get all “boot camp” on you. I am just going to offer you a different way to approach all of this. And hiding is not in my hand book for living.

If you are going through a difficult time during the holidays – or anytime at all -  your discomfort is real. The cause of your discomfort during the holidays could be anything from the loss of a job, being alone, illness, death of a loved one,  or the desire of a baby.   Frankly, the list of why we might be stressed out or sad during the holidays is so long that Santa would not be able to deal with in just one night! The question really is how do we cope with being uncomfortable with our emotions?

Any interest in going down a spiritual path with me today?  I am a bit of a new age kind of fertility and sexuality advocate. I drink up much of the self empowering – self help gurus that are out there – my extensive list includes and is not limited to: Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dryer, Pema Chodron, and Eckhart Tolle.

Have you learned about “The Secret” yet?

For me – the message in a nutshell that keeps coming to us through the voices and interpretations of all of these well known spiritual teachers is “All you have is right now”. So…what are you going to do with your “Right Now?” And how are you going to use your “Right Now” to truly make the most of your life in this moment?

Yeah – you may be going through a terrible time right now – but what can you do with your right now to make yourself feel better in this place that you may not have felt like you have chosen? What can you do to cope better with where you are and create something better for yourself in the next moment?

These teachers believe that it is how we behave in our daily lives that can bring our dreams to us. “They” call that the “Power of Attraction”.

I believe that we can truly manifest what we want our in lives – but not by sitting in a chair not moving. And certainly not by hiding from our friends and family.  I believe that we need to take our ideas and bring them to us by our belief in our dreams and by our actions. Sometimes, such as in dealing with a devastating disease such as infertility – it can be hard to believe deeply in our futures or focus on our present moment because our present moment can feel so uncomfortable.

I also don’t believe in self blame. Please don’t go to a place where you tell yourself that you are simply not “attracting” a baby. That is silliness.

I don’t believe that either. But I do believe that you can use some of these new age thinking strategies to help you cope in your all important “now” and eventually bring you to a place that you dreamed about.

I also believe that you can reduce the stress in your life – even holiday stress by practicing some simple techniques. Here are some thoughts to keep in mind to help you survive the emotional ups and downs of the infertility experience. Have you ever heard of the notion of “Let Go – Let God?”

Now I am not saying that you should stop doing what you are doing – I am simply suggesting that you work on letting go of the emotional angst as much as possible while you are doing what you need to do.

In Verse 47 of the Tao Te Ching suggests the struggling, worrying, stressing, fretting and the agonizing that we all can’t seem to resist, are behaviors that are actually keep us from experiencing the simple joys of daily life – and actually disconnect us from our own divine source.

In the words of Wayne Dryer “”What if we learned to live by being rather than trying? “Without going out the door, know the world. Without looking out the window, you may see the ways of heaven,” says the Tao. For example, consider how the beating of your heart, the inhaling and exhaling of your breath, and a myriad of other life functions take place without effort from you, even as you are reading these words. You are a single beat in the one heart that is humanity. The Divine is at work within you, moving you toward your life purpose. Let yourself be guided and see what happens when you simply ‘let it be.’”

Now “letting things be” can be really tough for so many of us that love to get in the last word. But I challenge you to try it on for a few days – and watch your anxiety lessen. Observe how much happier you can be if you can simply let things go that are not important in your life – once you give up fighting – you may find more time for your life’s purpose to emerge. Does it really matter how that receptionist talked to you? Maybe she was distracted too or having a bad day. Do you really have to yell at your spouse today because they forgot to do something? What if you let things go for a while? And practiced taking a big breath and letting it go slowly instead of biting off the nearest head because you are hurting? See what happens if you can just resist that impulse.

I encourage you to stop picking at your scabs! This is one of my favorite teachings from Pema Chodron, a Buddhist Monk. We all have wounds that itch us. Maybe it was an abortion that you are now regretting – or not starting your family earlier. I don’t know what it is….but the itching and desire to pick at those places can sometimes feel overwhelming.

If we don’t scratch those feelings of pain, hurt, self recrimination with painful thoughts and actions – we feel as if we might explode right? Pema talks about these feelings using the skin disease “scabies” as an example. If we scratch scabies – the rash will grow and soon our entire body will be covered. She encourages us to not scratch these painful places or emotional scabs but to let them be and let them heal. It is only by not scratching that we will allow our bodies to heal. I encourage you to not scratch…let those painful places heal. And yes….I know – it is hard NOT to scratch. But the longer you can go without scratching the more likely it is that over time you will not itch at all!

Learn to be merciful to yourself and others. Holding anger at yourself or at others will only pollute your journey. It’s really okay to move on – and let things go. You are not smaller for being able to let go of your anger – you will learn that through releasing your anger – you will really find your heart expand.

Look – infertility sucks.  And infertility during the holidays can be really tough. Wanting a baby with all of your soul and being on the receiving end of repeated disappointment can be an incredible challenge. I know – I have been there. Keep doing what you are doing to stay the path to build your family. I encourage you to chase your dreams – and while you are walking down the path to your family – work on letting some of the pain of it all go just a little bit – and see what unfolds for you. Go to the parties! If the little kids get to much – get busy helping out in the kitchen for a little while, or take a walk with a friend at the party! But don’t let infertility rob you of joy! If today was your last day – would you rather be with friends or alone crying at home because you can’t handle the party? Isn’t isolation just another type of pain?

Tonight I am celebrating the last night of Hanukkah with my family.  My mother is coming. My sister and I are sharing the kitchen.  Cooking involves hot oil. I am sure that it will stress free. Hopefully, I will survive it!

Posted under Coping with the holidays, Dr. Oz, infertiity, inspirational thoughts

I am going to the Roosevelt Field Mall next week, and it is not going to be to shop! It’s going to be instead about reaching out to the one in six couples in the United States who are struggling with infertility, and their friends and family. You see – some of them might just be out shopping for the holidays. And being at the mall when you are struggling with infertility during the holidays can be really tough stuff.

As the holiday season approaches, the inability to fulfill that dream of having a child can be especially painful. It is supposed to be a time to celebrate family, but for many couples it is just a reminder of what they do not have. Many feel hopeless because they lack good information and because the financial burden of treatment is extreme.

East Coast Fertility is reaching out this holiday season with a gift of hope.

Dr. David Kreiner and the ECF team (including me!) will be at the Roosevelt Field Mall Saturday Dec 5th through Friday Dec 11^th on the main level next to Starbucks to offer free information and consultations about fertility treatments and financing options.

We will also distributing coupons that can be applied to fertility medications. Consider it an early stocking stuffer.

Dr. Kreiner and the East Coast Fertility team want to send the message that there are affordable options for couples who want a child. “Finances do not have to be a roadblock to your dreams of having a family,” says Dr. Kreiner. “At ECF we help patients by offering them several ways to reduce the costs of treatment.”

ECF’s single embryo transfer program is one of those options. It includes a standard In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle, cryopreservation, embryo storage and unlimited frozen embryo transfers all for the price of a single IVF procedure. ECF also participates in the New York State Department of Health Grant program, and even offers their own sliding scale grants to patients who qualify. Another cost effective treatment plan is their Micro IVF regimen which requires less medication and less monitoring, thus reducing the cost. They also offer a “shared risk program” where patients can pay an upfront fee depending on their age and history for 6 retrievals. If they are unsuccessful in achieving a live birth, the patient receives a full refund. Finally, ECF has an IVF Study program where patients can receive discounts if they participate in certain research studies.

So come meet us at the Roosevelt Field Mall, and if you are not affected, but know someone who is, spread the word to them about this opportunity. Your outreach can give them hope this holiday season and make their dreams of having children a reality.” For more information, call 516-939-2229 or visit www.eastcoastfertility.com

Posted under Advocacy, Coping with the holidays, Dave Kreiner, Dr. Dave Kreiner, East Coast Fertility, Fertility, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Micro-IVF, Recession and Fertility Treatment, Single Embryo Transfer, Single Embryo Transfer Program, infertiity, inspirational thoughts