It has been an interesting few days in the world of social media and fertility.  Inside the pages of Facebook, we have continued our discussions about egg donation – focusing on the education of the egg donor and the documentary “Eggsploitation: The Fertility Industry Has a Dirty Little Secret”.

Everyone seems to agree that we have a huge void in egg donor education – with conversations running from what is truly informed consent, to the lack of support that is given to books that try to educate the consumer on egg donation. There seems to be lots of information for the couple who needs egg donation – so why not the egg donor?

And then the question becomes who is the best qualified and the most unbiased when it comes to  egg donor education and information? Does anybody not have a horse in this race? Let’s break down all of the stake holders and my list is not a ranking!

1. Infertile couples who need donor eggs to build their families (which by the way includes people of all races and ethnicity, plus every  social economic group.  Women who need egg donation are not simply rich women looking to exploit poor women as Eggsploitation’s expert on the trailer which  is show cased on their website  says with conviction (Yes – that really raised the feathers on the back of my neck!).

2. Egg donors

3. Reproductive Endocrinologists and other  fertility medical experts such nurses, therapists and embryologists  who supply the services that make donor egg a possibility.

4. Pharmaceutical companies who supply the medications that produce the abundance of eggs needed for egg donation.

5. Egg Donation Agencies who are often chosen by the infertile couples over IVF Centers as a source for donor eggs.

6. Reproductive Medicine Attorney’s who help with contracts, legal issues, and sometimes are in the egg donation business.

7. Patient Associations who represent not only the consumer – but are often supported by stake holders in the fertility field.

8. Professional Associations – Whose membership consist of many of the stakeholders.

9.  Right to Life Groups who don’t want embryos created and possibly discarded. These groups often view outlawing any form of IVF as an important bridge to outlawing abortion.

10. Angry former patients – this group includes former and current egg donors, and individuals who used donor egg -  who feel that they were not given informed consent or where things just went sour. Regret is a powerful emotion.

11. Politicians who want to appeal to certain voting demographics.

12. The Media – who love a good story to tell.

13. Centers or Committees on Ethics and Public Policy,  Certified Health educators, and Government offices – These groups are often filled with folks who think they need to keep the rest of us “safe”.

14. Parents, friends  and advocates of the children created through donor egg.

15. Parents, friends and advocates of egg donors.

16. Fertility Consultants: people who have made a career out of guiding people who are trying to conceive and work with all the stake holders.

17. Happy, and Satisfied Patients who have often have nothing but good things to say about their experiences. This group also includes egg donors and recipient individuals.

I don’t know about you – but to me it looks like there are a lot of horses in this race – and every one has an agenda. That is simply a reality.  Does that make the points of view that come through each lens invalid?  I don’t think so – but I think it is good to know where your information is coming from and to take the information in knowing each agenda.

What’s my agenda? I would like for this conversation around the education of egg donors to continue. I think it is past time. The fact sheet that I wanted to develop is ancient history (yeah, I am still angry).

Perhaps the answer is not to look for unbiased information – because perhaps that simply does not exist.  Right now – I just would vote for information to be created and for folks to know who is supplying it! If “Eggsploitation” does one thing for this community filled with passionate, caring people from every corner – it may be to get all of us to wake up, load our horses into the gate and go!

Posted under "Eggsploitation", "Google Baby", Donor Egg, Egg Donation, Egg Donor Compensation, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Coach, IVF, Infertility, Infertility Consultants, Infertility Funding, Long Awaited Children, egg donors, eggs

Yesterday, I blogged about “Eggsploitation: The Fertility Industry Has a Dirty Little Secret” And then I did what I do – and put it on Facebook and Twitter.  I have all kinds of “friends” – people that I know and don’t know which include many “insiders” in the fertility industry. And  what I saw was the beginning of what has been a gradual self examination practice when it comes to the business of egg donation – and the beginnings of a discussion about how the industry educates egg donors. I would love to help encourage that discussion to continue.

The education of egg donors has been important to me for a very long time.  I may have told this story before – but it is worth telling again.  It also speaks to how money controls public education.  In my day of running patient organizations I had to get funding for all of my educational fact sheets (because there is no federal funding of patient organizations as there exists in some countries like The Netherlands). Getting industry funding for fact sheets at patient organizations is a practice that continues today across the board at many non profits.  Just check the fact sheets – you will see sponsorship listings.  There is no big secret there.

So once upon a time, I wanted to do a fact sheet for potential egg donors – and I asked a big famous doctor at a big famous IVF Center to sponsor it.  I got a big fat yes – and I began the process of writing it. When the doctor got a hold of the fact sheet – he screamed that he was withdrawing the funding because the fact sheet was going to encourage the egg donor to ask too many questions – and answering these questions would take precious time away from the business of running his program.  Would I like to pay him for the time lost in answering egg donor questions that the fact sheet would provoke?

That fact sheet was never created because no one wanted to fund it. It was bad for business.

No matter how conflicted I feel about “Eggsploitation” (you can read their press release here) – especially their portrayal of the egg donor recipient as shown in the trailer on their website, I am glad that The Center For BioEthics and Culture Network produced it. Because while it may be extreme in it’s point of view – it is telling a point of view that needs to be told – and is not being told anywhere else. We need to make room for this perspective on egg donation – because it is real. These young women who are telling their stories are real – even if they don’t represent the majority of the egg donor experiences – it doesn’t make their experience any less valid or important. We need to hear them.

Everyone in the baby making world wants to feel like they are doing the right thing by egg donors, egg donor recipients, and most of all – the children that are created from that match. But money influences the waters. And without egg donor compensation there would be no egg donors. We all know that.

And money influencing the fertility field is not unique to the fertility field – it is a constant factor in every field – that is why big Pharma can’t buy dinner, or even give out pens anymore. We have all begun to acknowledge that fact.  It doesn’t matter how big or how small the donation is – money has this awful habit of controlling things.  And I have no answers – because every one needs money – and money pays the bills to keep the doors open for everyone. Even The Center for Bio Ethics and Culture Network has funders with a point of view.

But I do get disturbed with I see patient organizations with more professional/industry invested board members than patient board members.  And I do get even more disturbed – when I look deeper at who is running the ships – and there is an over abundance of board members in one part of the industry that we as a fertility community depend on for our unbiased information.  It is not that folks who serve in the industry or on non profit boards are evil doers – it is just that we need balance.  And without that balance of professions and areas of interest – there is an  influence in very quiet ways in regard to  the information that the consumer receives.

Yes – it is time for us to go deeper and really look at what information is shared with the consumer – how the information is being positioned – and who in the end – the creation of the educational materials are truly serving.  We must always keep in the front of our brains that consumer education is not marketing.

Posted under Advocacy, Egg Donation, Egg Donor Compensation, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Education, Fertility Marketing, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Infertility Funding, egg donors, eggs, patient advocacy

I was reminded just the other day of the concept of “The Wounded Healer” by a fertility blogger named Keiko Zoll. Keiko writes a truly fabulous blog call “Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed” – and she has been doing this wonderful blog series on being an advocate.  I was truly touched and reminded about my own wounded healer in reading her words in A Belly Full of Fire: The Wounded Healer. Keiko like so many advocates – started her blog out of a desire to express her experience – to fill some unnameable void – to shout into the universe all that was in her heart and in her belly – and in doing so – by speaking with a courageous honesty – she found a community and became a healer. Her words touched hearts and erased the pain of feeling alone  for others. Keiko writes from her gut and  it is that kind of writing – that kind of honesty that touches people.

You don’t need a medical degree to be a healer. You can be a healer by raising money to support a cause  – my colleague and friend Andrea Bryman Lmft is walking to raise money for breast cancer (make a donation here) and recently another colleague and friend Amy Demma was so touched by friend’s struggle with cancer that she has decided to make her facebook status and all manner of communication on Monday’s dedicated to fertility and cancer.  She asked her friends to support her just by talking about the issues (Pam waving at Amy in support). And my husband loves telling this story about a nun who came to our summer house looking for clams to help cure cancer and I just found this piece about her in an old People’s Magazine.  Oh yes – Sister Arline also had fire in her belly.

You see – once you get a fire in your belly – anything is possible.  It is often that place of disbelief, that place at the edge of pain where the most incredible creation and healing can happen.  It was so good to be reminded of that this week. Even this old dog advocate sometimes needs encouragement to keep on keeping on.  You see – its not always fun and games – this place of “Fire in The Belly”.  Sometimes – writing, doing, and change making from the place of the wounded healer can be very vulnerable work.  I remember going on the Joan Lunden Show – my first media appearance with my baby in my arms – to talk about IVF.  I wanted to show that IVF babies were normal and beautiful. I remember how my knees shook – and how scared I was. I was coming out on national television as a woman who had infertility – and had an IVF baby.   My husband and I were so worried that other parents would in some way classify our kid as an IVF  experiment. We were really scared – IVF was so new 20 years ago. But we had a fire in our belly. We needed to talk to get the word out about infertility and the possible solutions.  We needed to show the world that IVF kids were normal. And so I went.  That day was perhaps my first day  as a wounded healer.

Once  you start your first blog,  write your first article, walk your first walk, or do whatever it is that you need to do for your own healing -  you may  find  that you too have taken your first steps on the road of the wounded healer.  It is through that delicious fire in the belly place – that all changes happens. And don’t worry if you sometimes you feel scared and alone.  When you hit that place – just take a breath and know that you are building a bridge for others to walk across.

Thanks Keiko for the reminder.

Posted under Advocacy, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Keiko Zoll, inspirational thoughts

So Facebook is buzzing about “Google Baby” which I keep wanting to call “Global Baby”.  It is in my news feed over and over again as various members of the infertility/fertility community watch it on HBO. In case you didn’t know “Google Baby” is a new documentary on HBO exploring this new age of reproductive medicine – where people from around the world are connecting over the internet – and traveling the globe to build their families.  “Google Baby” primary focuses on the newly coined term “reproductive outsourcing” of surrogacy and egg donation. Outsourcing? I guess Reproductive Tourism or even “Cross Border Fertility Treatment”  is so yesterday.

“Outsourcing to India is very trendy right now,” observes Israeli entrepreneur Doron Mamet – who has is featured in the documentary.  He talks in the film about how in Israel, it isn’t allowed for women to sell their eggs and makes it difficult for gay men to adopt. Mamet, a gay man and his  partner traveled to the United States to do surrogacy – and found that most of his friends simply could not afford the price tag which hovered around$100,000 for the egg donor and the surrogate.

As a result of his life experience – Doron went into business and created a company that  provides the service of combining embryos created in the U.S with surrogates from the clinic of fertility specialist Nayna Patel in Anand, India. And so we get to watch as Dr. Patel talks on the phone to a perspective client – while delivering a baby (I have seen a reproductive endocrinologist in the US talk on his phone while doing an egg retrieval),  and counsel a perspective surrogate and her husband about the meat and potatoes of being a surrogate in India – mostly through  Caesarian deliveries.

As opposed to US Surrogacy – the surrogates live in a home that Patel provides for the women – and they must leave their families and accept a sort of group confinement until they give birth and land over the babies. I was struck by how brave these soft spoken women who were the surrogates were and how determined.  They were portrayed as mostly low-caste, and they were doing all of this – making this incredible sacrifice so that they could earn the money to buy a home or educate their children.

I wasn’t sure how to feel.  But my stomach was in knots as my eyes couldn’t peel away from the television screen.

Yes – these women were paid a much lower wage then their US surrogate sisters – but their money seemed to go a lot farther. These women were changing their lives by giving life – and it was rough. They cried as they gave up the babies – it was wrenching. And then later – we get to see them happy in their new homes as their husbands plotted for them to go back to get the money for their child’s education. What to think? Were these women in power of their bodies – doing what they wanted to do to get what they wanted in life – or were they just being used again by forces bigger than themselves?

Can we say that about American egg donors and Surrogates? Is it so different – or does it just look different because in the US – the pay check is bigger – and the women get to live at home? Who is to judge?  Film Director Zippi Brand Frank tries to give us a little cultural perspective by letting us see the overwhelmingly  different life circumstances of an American egg donor “Kat,” who was using the money to fix up her  large suburban home and buy guns. We get to watch her give herself injections of fertility drugs with her young daughter “assisting”.  It was not exactly heart warming.

“Google Baby” makes sure to drive home the fact that this is a business – with lots of hands in the pot.  And we are left with the question – Is there  something inherently wrong or evil with the treatment of these women and the practice of international surrogacy and egg donation? Or dare I say it – how it is the same and different to what is happening in the US?

“Google Baby” also does the gay couple or the infertile couple – for whom this entire dance is not about  business  but something more primal a huge disservice.  It is hard to remember watching this film that all of this is going on because people want to have families – and often cannot. And that many people are  trying to build a family with limited means and no health insurance.  It is the coarseness of the  opening statement of “Google Baby” that totally set me off:

“Today’s  New Technologies have taken the sex out of the act of making babies Now all you need is a credit card and the instructions can be found on You Tube”.

The complete lack of understanding of the infertile couple’s experience was shown in that opening statement of “Google Baby”.  In fact it showed the same deep disregard for the infertile trying desperately to have a baby – as Dr. Patel showed for her patient when she chose to take a call from a potential client as her hands were in the belly of a surrogate while stitching her up from her Cesarean section. The surrogate was crying with the loss of the baby – her hands gently reaching for one touch of that babies head as he was taken from her. Dr. Patel seemed to hardly skip a beat.

In the end  – we are left with women making incredible sacrifices for each other – and their families – while the business  of reproductive medicine marches on.

Posted under "Cross Border Fertility Treatment", "Google Baby", Egg Donation, Egg Donor Compensation, Facebook, Fertility, Infertility, Queer Families, Recession and Fertility, Recession and Fertility Treatment, Surrogacy, birth, egg donors, embryos

My life has taken was pretty interesting twists. I never thought that I would become a well known fertility and sex advocate – and I never particularly wanted to be a school teacher (my first career).  In fact, I wanted to be a nurse! I even attended nursing school, but they overbooked their clinical and continuing on that course would have delayed my graduation from college by two years.  I still regret not having my RN. But, I have lived a life with few regrets.  It is not that I have not had huge disappointments – and life shattering pain.  I don’t know many people who have not.  It is just that I have learned that tremendous life openings can be initiated by those dark painful moments.  We just have to tune in – and listen to our next life purpose. I truly believe that we have more than one.  I believe that they simply build on each other….

If I hadn’t experienced infertility – I would not be living the life that I am living now  – and doing the work that gives me joy every day.  Infertility was my “dark night of the soul”. When I thought that I would never have a child – I briefly crumbled. Through the pain, shame, fear, and disappointment – a new woman was born – and then eventually two sons.  In the end – infertility was a gift to me.

Through my need to give myself a voice as a patient – I became a voice for thousands. Through my outrage and determination – I was able to lead and work with others to create a new organization – The American Fertility Association - that still stands today. And through my decision to leave that organization which was a difficult, complicated and painful decision for me – I can now speak freely to you without the fetters of being a spokesperson for a national non profit organization.

Instead, I have the freedom of working for an innovative thinker Dr.David Kreiner - and -an incredible team of doctors, nurses, and staff at East Coast Fertility that supports me in being nothing less than authentic - and say what I believe is real. It has been an extraordinary change for me – not having to worry about sponsors and egos – and only think about the patient.

And it is a part of this new life – of being able to take my twenty some odd years (I started very young!) of experience as a fertility advocate that has brought me to this place of being a “Fertility and Sexuality  Blogger”.  Five days a week I get to wake up – sip my coffee – and think about our incredibly complicated world of reproductive health – and share those thoughts with you.  Every day I get to think about the stories and the science that create the world that I swim in. Every day I get to weigh in – and speak from my heart. How cool is that?

I have met some incredible people by blogging. There is this incredible network of reproductive health bloggers – and we are all different. Some of us are writing in “real time” about their current journey – and some of us are writing from a different perspective – the perspective born out of past experience.

We stimulate each others writing by reading sharing each others  thoughts. Sometimes we agree with other – and sometimes we don’t. If I didn’t have this blog, Facebook or twitter account -  I would have missed knowing them – and that would have been a loss.  And then there are “the readers” who jack into this blog. Those of you that are going through fertility treatment, struggling with your sexuality – industry – the media – doctors and others – who tune in to see what I am talking about each day. I love the opportunity to continue to share my thoughts on this ever changing topic of fertility and other issues that are central to being human.  It has been great hearing from you. I love comments. Please leave comments. I am not talking about compliments – I am asking you to share your own thoughts.

Oprah is did this great series on “Living our Best Life“.  You can find it all on line. Being a Fertility Blogger – and continuing my work as a voice for the fertility patient – and my emerging voice for women struggling with sexuality and self image. It has truly been a part of me living my best life.  I am truly grateful for the opportunity.

Thank you for reading.

Until Tomorrow,

Pamela

Posted under Advocacy, Dave Kreiner, Dr. Dave Kreiner, East Coast Fertility, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Infertility

I was a little less than hot this Mother’s Day weekend. I got a just “okay” massage, napped, read, watched pay per view movies – and spend as much time as possible in my pink fuzzy robe just surfing the net.  I got caught up on blogs – and clogged up everybody’s feed on Facebook with my minute by minute musings – don’t you hate when people to do that?  I was a great big mess of  over share – just when I read a piece in the Sunday New York Times about the  “Younger Generation” becoming more careful about what they let  the world see of them on the web! Well, this train has long left that station for me.  I have to be honest – I don’t have separate lives anymore. I don’t have a professional Facebook and a private one…..I don’t have one Pamela Madsen in one place and another one in another place.  I tried that – and it didn’t work for me.  And yes – I get that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy.  But perhaps it is that I let you see who I am – that brings you back to this blog again and again.

So – in my rebellion against this new conservative under thirty generation of kids who are cautious about what they are sharing on line – let me tell you where I went on line this weekend – and what I think you might like to check out as well! You see – I had a great time becoming my own Stumble Upon….first of all – I get a lot of newsletters – and I hardly ever got the time to actually read them.  And so I did! I am continuing to love this series by Anne Lamott on Oprah about getting to know your shadow.  And this week she wrote about Finding The Person You Were Meant To Be: Where to Start. And somehow – from there – I found a rather controversial blog by Annie entitled “Why I Hate Mother’s Day”. I really got things going on Facebook with that one!

From there – I went to Susan Crain Bakos Blog called Sexy Prime.  Susan, among other things -  is an author of sexy “how to” books – and I often like her blog geared towards women in their sexy prime.  She also had a Mother’s Day theme going – and this blog is worth a mention “Sexy Mom’s: New Sites Just For You”.

One of my new pet projects is a blog over at The East Coast Fertility.  Look – I had more than my big thumb in the creation of the new site – and the birth of their  brand new fertility blog -  The Fertility Daily. And frankly – I just love going over there and admiring it!  Plus -  the submissions from the guest bloggers have truly rocked! Check out the fabulous Alisa Vitti’s blog on “Empowering Your Fertility Journey: What Every Woman Needs to Know Before She Conceives”.

If you are a Fertility Chatter – and like to dish – you can follow me to Face of Fertility a new site that I have been spending a little time in – when I am not cruising around to see what the world of fertility is up to at Fertility Authority and Fertility Ties.

I have also been getting to know another fertility blog by Sharon LaMothe. Her blog Surrogacy 101 – is not just about surrogacy even though there is a lot to say about that.  She often does books reviews – and commentary on the issues of the day in the world of fertility.  If you haven’t checked out Sharon – take a minute and visit her blog.

Yep – so that was a slice of life of my transparent Mother’s Day Weekend! Take that – under 30 Generation! Don’t share with us – your private thoughts on line! Instead – come on over to my blog – where I will introduce you to what a forty something does on line – personal growth, social commentary, sexuality, and baby making! All in  a pink  robe!

Want more transparency? More Pamela Madsen fun? Friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter at @PamelaMadsen. I would love to see you there!

Posted under Annie Lamott, East Coast Fertility, Face of Fertility, Facebook, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Education, Fertility Support, Fertility Ties, Infertility, Pamela Madsen, Sharon LaMothe, Surrogacy 101, Susan Craine Bakos, sexual health, sexuality

I love blogs and blogging. Sometime I wonder what I did with my time before I discovered this incredible means of instant communication.  But let’s face it – some people are simply better at blogging than others.  Every once in a while – I enjoy introducing you to some bloggers that you may not have met before – or others that have written specially good blogs that I would hate for you to miss. And you know me – whether it is about infertility, fertility, sex, weight or female self image – I am on it like beans on rice!

So – here are a few my favorites this week.  I just came across “IF Crossroads” frankly because Michelle posted a comment on my blog!  Michelle is in that special place on being pregnant after infertility – at the crossroads between the worlds. I remember that place so deeply – and that place of fitting in – and not fitting in between the fertiles and the infertiles can be amazingly challenging. It is a great blog! I was reading one of her entries  that she wrote about the sex of her child – and what I call “the child imagined” – and I wanted to email her my blog about just that subject!  What I love about the blogosphere – is how we can hold each others hands through it all – and when I went to find her site yesterday to include her in my round up – I got this huge hug from Michelle! Because even though I had never met her – and I didn’t email her the blog on the Child Imagined – she found it and loved it.  And I was able to hold her just where she is right now in her life – and tell her that I do understand, she is not alone – and everything that she is feeling is normal! Isn’t it amazing how we can provide comfort to strangers through the blogosphere? It simply amazes me.  So check out Michelle’s blog – it is great and right now we are having a little mutual admiration party – so forgive us!

And then on Facebook yesterday (If you are not my friend on Facebook or following me on twittering you are missing out on some great stuff!)  – Dr. Edward Ramirez posted in his news stream about a blog that he has been following called “Life and Love in The Petri Dish”.  From the blog description:

“Mo and Will are two 30-something health care professionals traveling the steeper than expected road to parenthood. First came love, then came marriage, then came 6 IVFs and 5 miscarriages. Now into our 3rd year of wedded life, we are cautiously hopeful and steeling ourselves against further disappointment as we continue our efforts to start a family”.

The blog is real and sometimes raw.  I join Dr. Ramirez in recommending that you jack in and spend a little time in the world of Mo and Will.

Both of these blogs written by people in the midst of one stage or another of infertility – reminded me of how important it is that we keep our hearts in a place of loving compassion for each other and ourselves.   A wonderful piece from the blog “Zenhabits” called “A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life with 7 Practices” – is a great introduction to living a compassionate life.  It truly is a practice.

Feathers are still flying in the fertility community in regard to the concept of “Fertility Raffles”. The latest blog  on the subject “Is It Wrong to Raffle Off a Donor Egg Cycle” belongs to Rachel Gurevich at About.com.

I like Rachel – and I always enjoy her perspective on things. What I like about her blog is that she talking about all of this from the patient perspective – both the egg donor as a patient and the infertile couple as opposed to what is good ROI for the fertility industry.  Isn’t that the perspective that patient advocates are suppose to take?

In the world of doctor bloggers this week -  there were a couple of stand out entries -  of course Dr. David Kreiner (who really is an amazing blogger)  who wrote a piece that I just loved called “Do Financial Discussions  Have a Place in Fertility Consultations With The Doctor?“  If you have not checked out his blog “The Fertility Doc” - you are really missing out. It is not your usual “Doctor Blog”!

And I have really enjoyed getting to know Dr. Edward J. Ramirez, a reproductive endocrinologist in Northern California through the cyber ether. Dr. Ramirez also has an interesting blog that he calls “Women’s Health and Fertility”. Dr. Ramirez works hard out reaching out to the fertility community – whether it is patients,  patient advocates, or his colleagues.  I really respect that.   His blog is more of a question and answer forum – do you have a question for the good doctor? He is likely to make a blog out of it! And if you have a question about your reproductive health care – I bet you might find the answer already written on his blog. Just put it in the search!

The winner of best blog title of the week goes to Andrew Vorzimer, Esq over at his blog “The Spin Doctor”!  Andy takes it with  “Surrogacy and Brothels Make Strange Bedfellows”. Ya think?

Posted under Dave Kreiner, Donor Egg, Dr. Dave Kreiner, Egg Donation, Egg Donor Compensation, Facebook, Female Self Image, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, IVF, IVF Raffles, IVF and Egg Raffles, In Vitro Fertilization, MD, Pregnancy After Infertility, Women's Health Care, egg donors, infertiity, miscarriage

Did you know that March 8th was International Women’s Day? Did you know that according to Wikipedia that International’s Women’s Day is “s a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements.

Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother’s Day and St Valentine’s Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner”. Who knew? I didn’t.

But you learn everything in life on Facebook! And that is where i found out that I had indeed missed International Women’s Day.  I kind of felt a little bit better when I realized that I wrote about being a Fearless Woman yesterday.

Being fearless has been kind of a theme for me in the past few weeks ever since the “Fertility Authority” featured my blog and they described me by calling me “Fearless”.  It kind of made me smile because I had never thought of myself as fearless – to me I was perhaps shameless.  But fearless?

What I do know is that, like so many women around the world, I have had an incredible and varied life.  I live full out. I play full court – and I make no excuses for myself.  And for so many women, we live in a time where we can finally integrate our lives.  Now, once upon a time – I didn’t integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another….We are either “professional” or “homemakers” – we are either “Madonnas or Whores”.  But what if you were allowed as a woman to have a fully integrated life? What if you could have a professional life, and still have a family? What if being a successful lawyer didn’t mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under  your business suit – and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work? Could women truly have it all?  Isn’t this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now – and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn’t have to choose? That everything could happen in it’s own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Was this possible? Maybe not everywhere in the world right now perhaps – but I do believe that this possibility does exist right now in many places of the globe.

Think about it. Could we actually be mothers, Madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time? Would society know how to wrap their arms around that?  What is going on with women who are hooked up to machines in a study to look at their sexual response – and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman’s mind does not? What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibly broken in that.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman’s sexuality is still used to punish her.  And even today – it is. But like New Hampshire passing gay marriage – we are a country in transition. And I believe that we are closer than ever to supporting women living fully integrated lives.

Sociologists and sex perts are finally writing about the new integrated woman – and that’s a start. But who are the brave women out there who will do it and speak it?

Can you wear something sexy to work and still be taken seriously? For a good long while – before Katie Couric showed  her legs on The Today Show – the answer was no. But I have been watching those anchor women in the morning – and their sexuality has been starting to bloom – even as they have interviewed Presidents and talked about the issues that their kids were having in school. I love that.  They are all people – and they do not hide their sexuality – their  motherhood or their professional  smarts. They are clear that all of those pieces of themselves is a part of who they are as women.

And I have been as guilty of it as the next person. There was this one pharmacy rep that sent out this really sexy picture of herself in a Christmas outfit last year – and everyone was tearing her apart. How dare she? Who did she think she was? How could she show herself as sexy and playful? She was after all a “Professional”!!!! Oh well. Perhaps we were all a little jealous of her carefree, youthful  and yes – sexy spirit! What is it that gets us all fired up? Is it that we think that we are supposed to be this judgmental? Or were we simply happy to dismiss her as a slut? It was after all so much easier than seeing her as a full person.

I love that Oprah is getting on the band wagon. Several recent shows have explored a woman’s sexuality – and she has even taken sex toys to the stage. Oprah is saying that she cares about women being  integrated beings when she does these kinds of shows. And I love that.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. Recently one of the Miss America’s made big news when some topless photos showed up of her – you see – she was allowed to look sexy – to tantalize us in her bikini body – but not actually show us her breasts. Kind of interesting huh? In the end – The Donald realized how silly it all was – and the girl has her crown for a little while longer!

I love that we have a first lady who has the right to bare arms and those fabulous legs.  Our first lady – and frankly our President are clearly sexually integrated people. They are alive – and that aliveness permeates everything that they do. Mrs. Obama can be sexy and serious – and be a parent.  She is able to be a full woman – and I love that she is being a role model for other  women in this regard.

I have been talking a lot lately about how confused we are as a nation when it comes to our gender roles, our sexuality, and what is allow able and what is not.  We get glimpses of celebrities who are under the full view finder of the camera being sexual beings – and it freaks us out in the moment. Whether it is Brittany Spears forgetting her panties – or Paris  Hilton’s private sex tape (by the way I recently saw that in the Museum of Sex). But I am hoping that this too shall pass.

Look to France where a nude portrait of French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni will go under the hammer in New York next month, according to auctioneers Christie’s.

The 13 x 10 1/8 inch gelatin silver black and white photograph was taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world’s top fashion models, and is being sold by art collector Gert Elfering.

Carla Bruni who is now beloved by all – started her public life as a mistress, actress,  and as a model that sometimes posed nude. Yet she looked quite lovely when she met the Queen of England. Yes – my dearies – we can live in full color and have integrated lives. Nothing is stopping you but a little bit of fear – and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.

And it just one day past International Women’s Day!  Take my hand – the water is fine.

Posted under Egg Freezing, Facebook, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Preservation, Integrated Woman, International Women's Day, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, inspirational thoughts, sexual health, sexuality

You know that box that you are able to check off to describe your relationship status on Facebook? You get to choose from these choices:  Single, Married, Divorced, In a Relationship or “It’s Complicated”.  Today – a lot of children could check off a box to describe their conception status -  Sex, Spontaneous or Planned?, Fertility Medications, IUI, IVF, Micro IVF, Donor Egg, Donor Sperm, Donor egg and Donor sperm, Gestational Surrogacy or Traditional surrogacy?  And the possibilities and combination’s of assisted reproductive technology options doesn’t even stop there. For many kids it would be easier to simply check off “It’s complicated” to describe how they came into the world. You know the term – “It takes a village?”, well sometimes to bring a baby into this world it really does.

Complications from conceptions that are complicated continue to plague “intended parents”, and their surrogates – both here in the United States and abroad. To many of us who have worked in the field of fertility – all of this seems so clear even in the midst of all of the complications. The people who desired the child – who undertook the process to have the baby – are the intended parents. It doesn’t matter if they supplied the eggs or sperm – or if they carried the baby or not.  If they enter into the process as the intended parents – the baby should go to them.  But as we keep being shown in isolated case after isolated case – the courts don’t always agree with this philosophy.

Recently two cases caught my attention – one is the story of a German couple who used a surrogate in India. They can’t bring their twin babies home because the German Courts do not recognize surrogacy.  The German courts are at the moment trying to decide whether or not these babies are German citizens or Indian citizens. It doesn’t matter that the intended and genetic parents are German – they were born from an Indian women in India.  I can’t imagine the agony of these parents. What will they do if they can’t enter their own country with their children? They can’t even get visas for their babies right now. I simply can’t imagine what they are going through.

And then there is a case closer to home – the recent story of a gay couple, whose gestational carrier surrogate was just awarded “Mother” status by a NJ Judge. This is the story of Donald Robinson Hollingsworth and Sean Hollingsworth, a same-sex couple legally wed in California before Proposition 8 was passed. Who was their surrogate? Donald’s sister! This should have been perfect right? They were keeping it all in the family and in this case the surrogate had no biological ties to the baby – as it was not her brother’s sperm that fertilized the donor egg -  but she still won custody.

While reproductive attorney, Andrew Vortimer , very reassuringly points out in his blog The Spin Doctor “that there have been over 38,000 successful surrogate arrangements in the United States since 1979. Over that 30 year span, only 31 times now has a surrogate tried to change her mind – a staggering 99.99% success rate. Surrogacy risky? Hardly.” The shaky nature of a judge’s opinion in cases where parental rights are disputed and the changing global picture with Germany’s recently deciding not to recognize surrogacy – can make intended parents nervous. I don’t think that we can dismiss their fear.

When conception is complicated – get a parentage agreement and know your state and countries laws.  Don’t try to do this at home between families, friends and Craig’s List – use an agency and seek legal advice. It’s a complicated ever changing world out there that is confusing enough for children. Growing up shouldn’t be as complicated as being torn between your gay biological father, his husband – and his angry sister in law.

Posted under "Cross Border Fertility Treatment", Children of Lesbians and Gays, Donor Sperm, Egg Donation, Facebook, Fertility Tourism, Gay Marriage, Gay and Lesbian Family Building, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, LGBT Family Building, Micro-IVF, Prop 8, Queer Families, Surrogacy, donor insemination, egg donors, infertiity

I had a short little back and forth conversation on Facebook with Rachel Gurevich who runs the About.com section on infertility. I think that I had written something about Micro/or Mini IVF. You see – I like it very much. I have blogged about Micro IVF before. By the way – some folks also call this procedure minimal stimulation IVF – so if you are reading about Micro, Mini or Minimal IVF – it is all the same thing!

Anyway, Rachel was saying that she found the introduction of Micro IVF some what annoying – because where was it before the recession? Why wasn’t this being offered to patients before? Where were the doctors on all of this before their cycle numbers went down?

Huh. I hadn’t even thought about that before. Which came first? And did the sudden availability of this new procedure indeed come out of the doctors needing to fill the seats on a suddenly empty airplane? And if that was true – did that make this new lower cost protocal for IVF suspect in some way? Were we now seeing “the truth”?  Is the unsaid that fertility doctors are greedy – and would only offer “cheaper IVF” if they were pushed aganist the wall? 

Well – we know that the use of Reproductive Technologies are down in the United States.  This is true. It is also true that in many IVF Centers around the country staff have been laid off – and some offices have reduced their hours – and even closed some satellite offices.  The recession has hit the world of fertility head on.  Let’s face it – it was never easy for couples to afford treatment. And many couples including myself used credit cards, home equity loans, 40K’s and the like to finance their treatment.  Many of these traditional  options  are now closed to many making access to fertility care either impossible or delayed.

I do think that the fertility centers have been conscious of the difficulties that couples have had affording treatment for a very long time. That is why there are money back guarentee programs, special package pricing, free consultations, and in NY State there is a grant program.  But I do think that often “necessity is the mother of invention” right? What is often missed in the discussion around Micro IVF is that it is NOT for everyone – and it does not replace traditional IVF.  This is not a bait and switch.  What this is about was looking at the costs associated with traditional interuterine inseminations which is some where between $500 and $1000 dollars cheaper than a low stimulation IVF cycle – and not nearly as successful.

Yes – this was absolutely driven by the economy. How do we help patients get a higher success rate for not much more money and get them their families quicker? I personally spent way more money on IUI cycles in the end than IVF – because I spent so much time doing them trying to avoid the perceived expense and emotional trauma of IVF. In the end – my suffering was extended in every way.  Micro IVF would have been perfect for me.  But it would not have been perfect – nor is it perfect for everyone.

Micro IVF is meant for the patient who would be guided to do IUI’s not IVF. It is an opportunity for them to get a higher success rate at not much more cost.  So – if you are already doing traditional IVF – or have been told that you need traditional IVF – Micro IVF may not be for you. You need to ask your doctor.

Often times – innovations do come out of need. That is not necessiarly a bad thing.

Posted under Facebook, Fertility, IVF, Infertility, Micro-IVF, Mini IVF