RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is in the midst of launching a new public awareness campaign: “People with Infertility Are Being Ignored.”

This campaign focuses on an age old problem that has haunted people with infertility since the beginning of time – it is a disease of shame and shaming.  And what I know about shame is that it creates silence. When you are in a place of shame – what you are saying “Please do not notice me”.

And if people suffering with infertility are not noticed – then we will not get the health care that we need. That is what ACT UP was all about. It was getting people who have hid in the shadows to come out and be seen – and a cure.  It is way past raising awareness – it is about taking away the problem.

So how do we create a Shameless community that is willing to not only educate and raise awareness but demand health care coverage and a cure? That is  truly the question.  We all know that shame breeds silence – and silence allows for inaction.

Barbara Collura, Executive Director of RESOLVE wants everyone to take a pledge to raise infertility awareness. Okay – that sounds good. I have been doing that for 20 years – and yet when I recently allowed one of my blogs to be reprinted on a website that has varied content called Carnalnation – my blog was FLAMED.  Now this website has EVERYTHING on it  – and the readers decide to shame infertility? That should tell you something about how so many people view infertility! Do you want to see shaming and ignorance at it’s best? Go check out the comments.  Are these the kind of comments that keeps  many in the closet? I didn’t respond to even one of them to try to raise awareness. I thought about it several times – but I just didn’t have the strength to wrestle with ignorance.

Let’s face it – it is risky for anyone to go out there – and talk about infertility. There are people who still feel that people who  are struggling with infertility are selfish, narcissistic wanna be breeders and that the government should not do anything to help them – as there are more important issues at hand. You know – like world peace.

And world peace is important. But I can’t help but remember what a Rabbi said once to me – what he said was that when you help one family – you are saving a world. Because for that family – it is their world.

So – how brave are you? Are you ready to take the pledge? Are you ready to save the world? One world? Start a blog.  Make noise on Facebook – Twitter with a #Infertility in your message.  Respond to the comments on CarnalNation.com!!!

And by the way  – if you just don’t have the strength – I get it.

Posted under Advocacy, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, Infertility, RESOLVE, change

It was not such a long time ago when there were only a few voices in the world of infertility that were recognized fertility advocates. My voice was one of them of those lone few.  If the media wanted to know the patient perspective on anything in the world of trying to conceive they were usually sent to me – or a handful of others who were willing to be “out” about infertility.

This was the days before blogs, twitter, and facebook.  Everything has now changed through the world of social media. Now everyone can tell their story – for the same reasons that I told mine. And they don’t even have to give their true identity up if they don’t want to! They can still be heard. Today’s bloggers, tweeters and facebook posters are raising awareness about infertility in a way that we could only have dreamed about ten years ago. And they are doing it for many of the same reasons that I spoke out so many years ago.

I started my role as an advocate because of my need to give myself a voice as a patient and it was that need that helped me become a voice for thousands.  And now – there are hundreds of advocates out there in cyber ether! And we are communicating with each other with lightening speed. It is amazing – and the support, education and advocacy that is going on from lap tops all over the world simply blows my mind. There are so many different voices coming together – working with each other – sharing points of views and opinions in a way that used to be reserved only for occasional meetings of self appointed important “players” in the field of reproductive medicine. Just like the closing of video rental stores around the country – with days of an exclusive club of change makers are over.

You want to know what is going on in the world of reproductive medicine, fertility, infertility and sexuality – jack into the blogs – get yourself a tweeter account – and a facebook profile. That is where the change is happening. And you can start by friending and following me.  This world of social media and on line education, support and advocacy is exploding! Connect with it today – there are lots of seats at the table – and all are welcome!

Posted under Fertility, Fertility Education, Social Media, infertiity

Just the other day – a colleague of mine called me – a “Vagina Whisperer”.  I laughed so hard I almost fell over.

“What are you talking about – what is that? Is that some off shoot of a horse or dog whisper? Is that a good thing?” I asked.

“Pammy – Let’s be real here. You are a pro at anything below the waist on women! Whether it is fertility, infertility or sexuality - you know how to talk about it in a way that people (especially women) understand.  You calm them – and are able to make women laugh at themselves – you know just how to get people not only to  listen, but to talk about all of the things that they are too frightened and blocked by shame to discuss freely with other people.  My dear – own it – you ARE a “Vagina Whisperer”.

Okay – that is some title – and I wondered if there was a truth to it – was there  such a thing as”Vagina Whispers”? Is that a new breed of female reproductive health educators out there that are talking to women about all manner of things that occur below the waist – in  a way that is new? In a way that women can truly get? So who are they?

I sat a bit with this idea – and the names of women that I would call “Vagina Whispers” came to me: Dr. Christiane Northrup, Alisa Vitti, Betty Dodson, Ellen Heed and Gail Sheehy came immediately to mind. These women were advocates, authors, sex educators, and physicians – yet they were all Vagina Whisperers. As I thought about the title – it grew on me.  There are so many ways that we each can hold that role for women – do you have any other nominations?

Posted under Infertility, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, Vagina Whisperer, sexual health, sexuality

I don’t love gray roots. I am talking hair here – not plants.  I am not one of those fantastic looking women with gray hair.  You know the ones that pull off that look so superbly? The rest of us just look like we have Brillo on our heads. And that skunk line is something to also be avoided at all costs!

But I worry about the chemicals – and when I was trying to conceive and pregnant – coloring my hair was a real guilt trip for me.  Just so you know – I colored! I have written before about the health concerns of cosmetics – and it is a relief to know that products are finally coming to the market that support us in feeling beautiful without endangering our health.

For instance – now you can let go of the guilt and the gray! There is a new vegan, plant-based hair products from Advanced Cosmetic Technologies which permanently colors hair without the harsh chemicals. Yes it is true – there is no bleach, peroxide, ammonia and parapbens – you can keep your gray hidden while you are TTC and pregnant!

You can order on line here. Tell them that The Fertility Advocate sent you!

Posted under Fertility, Fertility Tips

Today over at my SHAMELESS BLOG, I talk about “Saving Room For Dessert”.  It’s really an important topic! Especially when you are in the midst of all the crap that life can throw at you – like infertility. We can get so lost treatment schedules, needles, money issues, and our fear of failure that we can’t think beyond the next moment of possible disappointment.

Sometimes it seems that folks who are going through infertility make more room for getting ready for pain than for pleasure. I get it. I did it. If I did a mental run through of what it would be like to get the call from the nurse telling me that I wasn’t pregnant – if I could just accept that I wasn’t pregnant before I got the call – then perhaps it wouldn’t hurt so much when I did. It was survival tactic – and it kind of worked – sometimes.

I wasn’t much for positive thinking back then – there was just too much hurt.  So I won’t pontificate about how you should cope with the pain of infertility – because it is painful. But I am going to offer up an infertility survival tip – take a short break for pleasure in your life.

I know that you may have to do this with great intention – especially if you are in the midst of your first IVF cycle – or just got some news that you wish didn’t belong to you. But do something nice this weekend – just for pleasure’s sake.  I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is not doing something like cleaning your house. Or maybe it is something grand – like trying out that tasting menu at some fabulous dining spot. Just do it.

If you need to justify it – remember that pleasure reduces stress – and stress reduction is good for conception. By bringing pleasure back into your life you will remind yourself that life is not just about a baby bump – no matter how much you may want it.  But it is always about a beautiful August day, an ice cream cone – and taking a walk on the beach.

Posted under IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, conception tips, inspirational thoughts

What happens when you get a negative pregnancy test? Or when things aren’t going well with your IVF cycle, and the doctor suggestions that you cancel this cancel?  How do you cope? When I was going for a particularity difficult time in my life – I discover Pema Chodron. Pema became not only a comfort for me, but my teacher – even though I never met her.

I have listened to her voice for hours on my iPod. Pema is a Buddhist Nun who has authored many books.  One of my favorite’s is called “When Things Fall Apart”.

There is a fabulous interview with Pema Chodron on Oprah’s website - where she touches upon some of the basic principles of her teachings. My favorite teaching, and one that I always come back to – is the power of staying with uncomfortable feelings – and uncomfortable situations. So many of us try to run away and drown our feelings – we want to escape them. We don’t like that awful crunching feeling in our bellies – or the tightening of our throats.  So many of us would do anything to avoid those feelings – and we try to drown them out in many ways such as using food, drugs, drinking, shopping, or even becoming argumentative and depressed. What Pema teaches is that by viewing painful feelings or emotions as something that can actually bring us closer to the truth than something to be avoided – that we could change the trajectory of our lives.

What Pema is teaching, is that when things feel like they are falling apart – like a failed pregnancy attempt – instead of running from the pain – try to stay with it. Truly feel it.  Trying to look at the “bright side” may not be helpful.  If we can manage to stay with the pain – really touch the rawness of our feelings – great insights and learning can come from it. Now – this can feel really, really bad.  No one is saying that there is anything pretty about connecting with the rawness of pain, uncomfortable emotions, and disappointment. But we all have this negative feelings in our life. No one can align the universe all the time to have things just the way we want them constantly. So there a lot of potential human growth experiences out there! Are we lucky?

What Pema teaches is that we really try to let ourselves touch the rawness of the feelings. Really sit with the feelings – and breathe deeply into them. Yes – literally sit and breathe it in the painful feelings and then breathe them out in the exhalation. Pema coaches that it is often helpful to think that other people also feel this pain. You are not alone in your frustrations, disappointments, and pain.  There are always other people who are feeling in this moment just what you are feeling. You are never alone in pain.  And just touching that knowledge in your discomfort connects you with empathy and compassion to others.  I love this snipet of conversation between Oprah and Pema:

OPRAH: As you wrote in When Things Fall Apart, “This very moment is the perfect teacher.” One thing I’ve learned to ask, especially in difficult situations, is “What is this here to teach me?”

PEMA: That’s a very powerful way to look at it. People often use spirituality like medicine when they’re in a tough situation, and they start coming up with their own ways of expressing it, as you just did. All religions point to the fact that being fully present is the only state in which you can wake up—not by somehow leaving. So you have to find your own simple, grounded language to say that to yourself, and that’s a beautiful way to express it: What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me? Another one that I love is “This is a unique moment. Maybe I’m glad about that because it’s painful, but I don’t want to waste it, because it’s never going to happen again this way. So let’s taste it, smell it, experience it.”

OPRAH: You also wrote in When Things Fall Apart that every day gives us an opportunity to either open up or shut down, and that the most precious opportunity presents itself when you think you can’t handle whatever is happening. So if, in that moment, you can train yourself to open up instead of shutting down…

PEMA: That’s exactly when you get a real transformation.

What I have found is that when I don’t run from painful situations, if I really allow myself to stay with what ever is causing me terrible anxiety – I am able to come out on the other side in a brand new way. Situations and opportunities open for me. It can feel almost magical. The key for me has been in not avoiding uncomfortable situations that cause me anxiety – and opening my heart in loving compassion to the people, situations or things that have brought me such distress.

Infertility is an incredibly painful life crisis. We can rail against it – or we can try to find our own path through it.  Running away from our emotions won’t help. It only drowns us.

Consider picking up “When Things Fall Apart” – there is much gold to be mined between the pages.

Posted under Infertility

Lisa Rosenthal, a fellow Fertility Blogger and I have been friends for a life time. Often when I call her – and ask her how things are in her whirl wind life she will respond with these words “Things are okay enough”.  It always makes me laugh. But perhaps there is a lot of wisdom in those words – sometimes “Okay Enough” is the best that we can hope for in a given moment – and is not a bad thing at all.

Several years ago – my sister was diagnosed with bi-lateral breast cancer. She was already an infertility survivor - a victim of a IUD that has since been taken off the market but had caused a terrible infection in her pelvis(PID) that not only took her fertility but almost robbed her of her life. And here we were again – it was enough to rob your lungs of all the air that you needed to breathe.

My sister made it through – but not without scars. She had a double mastectomy and reconstruction. And then she got infections from the implants – I won’t go on – it was beyond what anyone could imagine. Today she is doing well – with no implants at all. Her body forever changed – her life forever changed – but these days we are very grateful that she is “Okay Enough”.

Yesterday, one of my best girlfriends went for an MRI as a follow up on her breast cancer surgery. She had a lumpectomy. There were secondary infections too – things that lingered long after the surgery – and these days my beautiful friend is “Okay enough”.

These strong women – women who I would never ever think of as getting sick – have danced with cancer and infertility.

And it changes everything. I don’t think that their infertility or the medications – caused the breast cancer. I really don’t. I don’t know why we get what we get – genetics, environment, toxins, bad luck or a twist of fate. But what I do know is -  that whatever comes our way – early in the morning when we each get dressed and face ourselves – we are simply a woman looking into a mirror facing whatever life is bringing us. Whatever it is that comes our way – there is a need to make peace with that woman in the mirror. To love her – encourage her – and gently tell her that no matter what each of us face – that we will be alright.  That no matter what it is – with one step in front of the next – somehow we will land in a place that may not be what we planned for – but we are grateful for simply being  “okay enough”.

Posted under Body Image, Infertility, breast cancer

It can be so much fun being a fertility and sex educator. I get all of these fabulous press releases every day in my email – samples of all kinds of things to try from lube to ovulation predictor kits! The latest press release vying for my attention was a  fun new quiz put together by the experts at STDTestExpress. The quiz is designed to invoke some laughs, but also remind everyone howimportant it is take care of your sexual health.

Questions range from basic STD statistics to the best ways to make sure you’re not another one of those stats. When finished, your score will tell you if you’re the sexual health know it all  you think you are or if your lack of knowledge will have potentially hurt your own health, your future fertility or your unsuspecting sexual partner. Many people do not know Sexually Transmitted Diseases is one of the leading causes of infertility. So if you are trying to conceive – and you have not been tested – please do it. It’s easy – in fact you can do it at home!

So…Are You A Sexual Health Guru? Take the Quiz and find out! I wonder what is coming in the mail next?

Posted under Fertility, Infertility, Sex, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, sexual health, sexuality

My son the other day was tapping his fingers on the table. It was a nervous gesture – one that I recognized from 29 years of marriage to his father. It always made me crazy when my husband did that – so of course now – my son does it too.  My sons ages 18 and 22, just like their dad did – are  also losing their hair way too fast (they are still gorgeous)! They are also incredibly bright – funny – verbal and have huge hearts that are displayed every time they carry in groceries for a neighbor without anyone asking. They get that from their dad too.

Genetics is a mixed bag. It has always been. And yet – we want to pass along it all to our children. Our funny nose – and curly hair – the unique mix of us. Eighteen years ago, a fertility technique called intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection, or ICSI, changed the face of reproductive medicine by allowing men that could never become a genetic father overcome male infertility by taking a single sperm and injecting into the egg.  This revolutionary procedure helped countless men become fathers – and it has been estimated that close to a million babies have been born through ICSI since the procedure was developed.

Posted under Fertility, ICSI, IVF Kids, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Sons of ICSI, genetics, male infertility

With my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diets, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure….and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner heading into galleys this week – I have been thinking a lot about what is a core issue for so many women when it comes to sexual pleasure. And by the way,  I am including myself in that statement! The core issue that I talking about is this little twitch that so many women have. It’s what makes us, as women feel sexy.  What turns us on – in a very deep place?  And that is….Drum Roll Please!!!

The feeling of being desired!

Marta Meana said it best when she said that for most women “Desire is the real female orgasm”.

As women, we want to be the most desired fruit in the salad.  We want our significant other – or simply admiring eyes to reflect back to us their desire for us – and this gives us more pleasure that most of us would like to admit to. It’s not very politically correct now – is it?

Well – here’s a new flash for you -  sexuality is not politically correct!  I don’t know about you – but I want  to be swept off my feet by a suitor that just cannot breathe without me. Oh come on. You want it too! You know it’s true. And if it’s really, really, really isn’t true for you as as woman – it is true for countless others. Why do you think romance novels are so popular? It’s girl porn! It’s where we get to read about the damsel being desire – courted – whisked away against her will – because his desire for her is so intense that he just must have her! And that turns on our feminine soul in such a hot deep place that the heroine falls in love. The end.  This story is told again and again – marketed directly to women – to our core fantasy -  and purchased in truck loads by countless women in countless Walmarts across the country every day. And yet – we are bashful about it. Aren’t we?

The question that I pose is why don’t we us women simply cop to the fantasy? My theory is because it embarrasses us.  We feel shame in having any desire that does not include us being in control at all times. We want to be feminists – and self sufficient. We don’t want to “Need” men (or female lovers) – or look to the outside world for approval. It’s not what we have been taught to want. But sexuality and desire – didn’t read the play book. The way our desire works in as encoded in our DNA as the color of our eyes.

So what happens to us as women when we no longer “feel seen” as sexual beings. What if weight gain, aging, or even disability makes us feel invisible to those outside eyes? What happens then to our female sexuality? What happens if we hate ourselves so deeply because of life events such as experiencing infertility – that we turn in completely and switch off our sexuality button – so that nobody will see us anymore? Oh yeah – you know what I am talking about. Big ugly shapeless sweat shirts to name one stereotypical piece of  female sexual camouflage. But it’s true – we do it. We hide in so many ways. We make it so that no one could desire us – and that fulfills the prophecy that we are not desirable. I watched Geneen Roth on Oprah again yesterday – and it opened with women talked about how they self loathed. It is a vicious cycle – of self hating – not being willing to be seen – and there fore not being seen. That shuts us down – and creates a host of problems for us.

What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can’t name inside of us. I don’t think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of pink pill for women. It’s so much deeper for us. For us – Desire is the Female Orgasm – and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step – miracles can happen.

Posted under Body Image, Desire, Dr. Marta Meana, Female Self Image, Female Sexual Desire, Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD), Geneen Roth, Infertility, Marta Meana, orgasm