RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is in the midst of launching a new public awareness campaign: “People with Infertility Are Being Ignored.”

This campaign focuses on an age old problem that has haunted people with infertility since the beginning of time – it is a disease of shame and shaming.  And what I know about shame is that it creates silence. When you are in a place of shame – what you are saying “Please do not notice me”.

And if people suffering with infertility are not noticed – then we will not get the health care that we need. That is what ACT UP was all about. It was getting people who have hid in the shadows to come out and be seen – and a cure.  It is way past raising awareness – it is about taking away the problem.

So how do we create a Shameless community that is willing to not only educate and raise awareness but demand health care coverage and a cure? That is  truly the question.  We all know that shame breeds silence – and silence allows for inaction.

Barbara Collura, Executive Director of RESOLVE wants everyone to take a pledge to raise infertility awareness. Okay – that sounds good. I have been doing that for 20 years – and yet when I recently allowed one of my blogs to be reprinted on a website that has varied content called Carnalnation – my blog was FLAMED.  Now this website has EVERYTHING on it  – and the readers decide to shame infertility? That should tell you something about how so many people view infertility! Do you want to see shaming and ignorance at it’s best? Go check out the comments.  Are these the kind of comments that keeps  many in the closet? I didn’t respond to even one of them to try to raise awareness. I thought about it several times – but I just didn’t have the strength to wrestle with ignorance.

Let’s face it – it is risky for anyone to go out there – and talk about infertility. There are people who still feel that people who  are struggling with infertility are selfish, narcissistic wanna be breeders and that the government should not do anything to help them – as there are more important issues at hand. You know – like world peace.

And world peace is important. But I can’t help but remember what a Rabbi said once to me – what he said was that when you help one family – you are saving a world. Because for that family – it is their world.

So – how brave are you? Are you ready to take the pledge? Are you ready to save the world? One world? Start a blog.  Make noise on Facebook – Twitter with a #Infertility in your message.  Respond to the comments on CarnalNation.com!!!

And by the way  – if you just don’t have the strength – I get it.

Posted under Advocacy, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, Infertility, RESOLVE, change

I haven’t done a round up in a long time – but there is a lot of amazing blogs, cool services, conferences and products that have happened recently – and I want to make sure that you don’t miss them! And I have to be honest – I get so much information in my Facebook News Stream – that I would miss half of what is going on if I wasn’t a member of that community! If you want to jack into my community – I welcome you to add me as a friend or follow me on Twitter @PamelaMadsen.

So here is a taste of what I think is worth noting this week! There are  two great new products in the world of menstruation.  One for young girls who are beginning their menses called “The Dot Girl – First Period Kit”. I have to say that I love this product – and their tag line “Informed Girls – Empowered Women”.  Right on. It’s not that girls need any special kind of kit really for their first period – but the product opens the door for mothers or other significant adults in the young girls world to initiate a conversation with them about getting their first period. I totally support that! Let’s work on making girls comfortable with their bodies right from the start!

For us older women – it’s important to keep track of your cycles. There are so many reasons why women should do that – and it’s not just to be able to tell your gynecologist when the date of your last period is! Don’t you hate that question when you have no clue? Here are some of the reasons that you might want to keep track of your cycles:

1. Its a great way to make friends with your body. Get to know the normal ebb and flow of your hormones – what is normal and what is not.

2. Identify issues early on. If your cycles are irregular that could be a symptom of a larger problem. Keeping track lets you know that.

3.  If you are trying to conceive (TTC) – knowing your cycles will help you in planning your pregnancies – and if you don’t conceive when you expect to conceive – having a record is great information for your doctor!

There are many more reasons why you should know your cycle history – and there is a great new product called  My Cycle Diary that looks really easy and convenient to use. So check it out! And while we are on the subject of menstrual health – Please check out a wonderful organization devoted to this very subject called Rachel’s Well. You will be glad that you did.

In the world women’s reproductive rights – a new “morning after drug” has been approved by the FDA called “Ella”. You can read all about it here.

And on an entirely different note – there are some fabulous blogs out there right now – I love today’s post at The Fertility Daily by Dr. Eli Rybak on Rabbinically Supervised A.R.T. The Orthodox Jewish community has special concerns when they enter the world of assisted reproduction. That is why A. T.I.M.E. was formed – a support group for orthodox couples doing through infertility.  If you are not familiar with A. TIME – check them out – and if you want to learn about “Kosher Fertility Treatment” jack into Dr. Rybak’s blog. I loved it.

Have you ever attended a reproductive health conference? My favorite conference for reproductive health professionals is coming up soon in Atlanta – and it is run by The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals (ARHP).  These folks do it all – fertility, sexuality and birth control.  You can check out the conference details here. I know that I am trying to make it this year!

I could keep going! There is so much going on in the world wide web of reproductive health – but I am going to stop here for now – except to invite you to visit my new website and blog – that focuses on healthy sexuality.  Being Shameless is the place to read my newest blog – learn about my upcoming memoir SHAMELESS. On my new site you can not only jack into the blog  – but you can read an exclusive excerpt from my book, learn about why I wrote it  – and become a part of my community there too! There is lots of Pamela to spread around.  So keep visiting here – every day – and book mark Being Shameless! I hope to see you over there too!

Posted under Advocacy, Body Image, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Advocate's Hot List, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Jewish Infertility Support, Rachel's Well, Sex Education, Shameless, conception tips, menstruation, sexual health, sexuality

I was reminded just the other day of the concept of “The Wounded Healer” by a fertility blogger named Keiko Zoll. Keiko writes a truly fabulous blog call “Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed” – and she has been doing this wonderful blog series on being an advocate.  I was truly touched and reminded about my own wounded healer in reading her words in A Belly Full of Fire: The Wounded Healer. Keiko like so many advocates – started her blog out of a desire to express her experience – to fill some unnameable void – to shout into the universe all that was in her heart and in her belly – and in doing so – by speaking with a courageous honesty – she found a community and became a healer. Her words touched hearts and erased the pain of feeling alone  for others. Keiko writes from her gut and  it is that kind of writing – that kind of honesty that touches people.

You don’t need a medical degree to be a healer. You can be a healer by raising money to support a cause  – my colleague and friend Andrea Bryman Lmft is walking to raise money for breast cancer (make a donation here) and recently another colleague and friend Amy Demma was so touched by friend’s struggle with cancer that she has decided to make her facebook status and all manner of communication on Monday’s dedicated to fertility and cancer.  She asked her friends to support her just by talking about the issues (Pam waving at Amy in support). And my husband loves telling this story about a nun who came to our summer house looking for clams to help cure cancer and I just found this piece about her in an old People’s Magazine.  Oh yes – Sister Arline also had fire in her belly.

You see – once you get a fire in your belly – anything is possible.  It is often that place of disbelief, that place at the edge of pain where the most incredible creation and healing can happen.  It was so good to be reminded of that this week. Even this old dog advocate sometimes needs encouragement to keep on keeping on.  You see – its not always fun and games – this place of “Fire in The Belly”.  Sometimes – writing, doing, and change making from the place of the wounded healer can be very vulnerable work.  I remember going on the Joan Lunden Show – my first media appearance with my baby in my arms – to talk about IVF.  I wanted to show that IVF babies were normal and beautiful. I remember how my knees shook – and how scared I was. I was coming out on national television as a woman who had infertility – and had an IVF baby.   My husband and I were so worried that other parents would in some way classify our kid as an IVF  experiment. We were really scared – IVF was so new 20 years ago. But we had a fire in our belly. We needed to talk to get the word out about infertility and the possible solutions.  We needed to show the world that IVF kids were normal. And so I went.  That day was perhaps my first day  as a wounded healer.

Once  you start your first blog,  write your first article, walk your first walk, or do whatever it is that you need to do for your own healing -  you may  find  that you too have taken your first steps on the road of the wounded healer.  It is through that delicious fire in the belly place – that all changes happens. And don’t worry if you sometimes you feel scared and alone.  When you hit that place – just take a breath and know that you are building a bridge for others to walk across.

Thanks Keiko for the reminder.

Posted under Advocacy, Facebook, Fertility, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Support, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Keiko Zoll, inspirational thoughts

Many of you know a lot about me. You know already that I became a patient advocate in the field of infertility because of my own experience with infertility. I have a history of making my life experiences into my life’s work.  And I have noticed when I am quiet enough to have moments of inner reflection – how so much of what I get into forces me to experience the same challenges over and over again. The challenges just occur in a different venue, with different props and costumes.

Giving up control has never been easy for me – and therefore – once again – it is an aspect of my life that I play with a lot .What is it about surrendering that is so hard that sometimes I feel like I need my fingers pried off a project? “Really, Pam, – No REALLY Pam – we have got it!!!”.  Now it really doesn’t matter where that little piece of dialog came from – you get the message. The very idea of giving up control make me feel like the girl in this picture! Very, very anxious! It was as though if I had control over every aspect of my life – I could keep anxiety at bay.  Eventually – I did learn that surrendering to people that I truly trusted – was truly the way to keep anxiety from taking over my life.
Maybe the Universe offered up infertility to me – because I needed to really learn on some base level – that we can only do so much – and then we have to let go.  Infertility is a great one for teaching surrender.  We can show up – read all the books on infertility that are out there – interview and find the best doctors – hang out on message boards and infertility community websites trying to get the facts. We can show up at the doctor’s office with pad and pencil in hand – follow all of the protocol perfectly – and in the end – we are not in control of the outcome.  No matter what we do – there is always the two week wait! We have to give it up – and simply not know and not be in control. God I hated that.

And no matter what I did – the outcome was the outcome.  There is a special lesson in that – don’t you think? It is really about how we learn to cope with the unknown – and those things that we cannot control where we will find sanity.

I have found that the lessons that I learned during my own personal infertility struggle has helped me even so many years later. All of those feeling that I never wanted to feel – come back as I said – just on another stage.

Whether it was moving on from my organization, The American Fertility Association,  to deciding to write my book: SHAMELESS - there was only so much preparation for the experience that was possible. In the end – I had to simply give it up! After all the hard work, set intention, long hours, prayer and burning the mid night oil – I was really not in control of anything.

In medical treatment – it was my doctors and then good fortune who took my best efforts and then told me to trust them – and let them do their part of the heavy lifting! And I did. I let go – and simply had to let them carry my weight.  I had to truly learn trust.  And now so many years later – it is my publisher at Rodale – my editor and my publicity team that are taking all of my best efforts and making the final calls over “my baby”.   They are the ones in charge of editing my work, deciding what stays and what goes – and making such personal decisions about what picture of me is even going to be on the book.  I find my fingers wanting to curl around the manuscript – and my voice wanting to sneak out of my throat as I want to shout “Mine! Mine! Do it MY way!!!” But I learned a lot during those years of trusting my medical team – and I am trying to once again surrender control.  And boy oh boy – it isn’t easy to trust when you feel like your whole world is at stake.

But that is the challenge – and it doesn’t change.  So do your home work. Choose your doctors carefully. Make sure that you are in a place that you on a core level can trust. Once you feel that trust you know that you are home. Then my recommendation? Pry your fingers off o fthe  journey…..I am not saying that you don’t get to show up – and do your best. I am not saying that. But I am saying that once you pick your place – whether it is a fertility doctor – an editor, or a dentist -we all have to get to the place of being able to open our mouths, say “AHHH” and just trust. Without it- we will simply get in the way of our own success. The key is finding where you can truly trust and feel safe.

And I guess – I will be in the black jacket on the cover of my book – I really thought red was best.

Posted under A Purpose Driven Life, Fertility, Fertility Journey, Fertility Message Boards, Fertility Support, Opening to your Life's Purpose, Shameless, infertiity

A friend of mine has been chatting with me about the relationship between being able to make a living and doing the right thing. I think what she is talking about really is the ability to live our authentic lives without fetters – without the fear of losing our job – without the fear of perhaps not being honored or loved for being who we truly are. I get that, and I have lived that.

I have mostly been lucky in my life. I have been able to turn my life’s passion into my work – at least most of the time. I truly love what I do. Many moons ago – I was a volunteer in the field of reproductive health, fertility and infertility. Now, I am well paid for my passion.  I didn’t mind giving far and beyond of my time (actually I don’t know how  to do anything else), but I do like getting paid for my passion. I love being able to support my family doing something that I care deeply about. For me, that is a blessing.

But is that what my friend is really talking about? I think partly – but I also think that my friend is also talking about our ability to be able to say what we need to say – and know in our heart that we are doing absolutely the right thing – and that we are not compromised by our work – or society.

It’s tricky stuff. When I worked in the  non profit world - we were dependent on donations. It was a dance between working with sponsors – and in this case – that would be physicians, and allied industry such as pharmaceuticals, ovulation predictor kit folks and the like, adoption experts, lawyers, surrogacy agencies, and sperm banks. The list of interested stake holders was quite endless – and so was the list of people that felt that they were not getting their fair share from the organization that they had invested in. There were times that I had to bite the hand that fed me – and there were times that I should have bitten harder – but didn’t out of fear of losing funding. That is honest – and to say that compromises were not made – would not be truthful.

It was a constant juggling of doing the right thing for our patient community – and trying not to infuriate the sponsors. It is a dance that I am happy that I don’t have to do anymore. I don’t miss the bullying by people that felt that they were entitled to something because they gave money.  I don’t miss the egos that used money in an attempt to gain control. I don’t miss the vulnerability that I felt dancing the line between doing the right thing – and making sure that we kept the doors open. I don’t miss it at all.

But that was then – what about now?

It is true spiritual work to come clean about when we are living our own authentic lives – and when we aren’t. When I was going through infertility the first time – I hid it from most people. I didn’t want my friends and family to know. I felt if they knew the truth about my inability to get pregnant that I would be judged. That I would be seen as less of a woman.

It was only when I was able to “come clean” about what was going on in my life – that doors opened for me. When I was able to truly embrace all of my parts – even the parts of me that felt broken – when I was finally able to speak my truth, that was when true change happened for me.   I had to give up shame.

I am about to do it again –“the coming out of hiding thing”.  But this time I have a partner in  Rodale Books.  I have been writing my memoir  SHAMELESS, with the help of Anne Adams for two years – and it is finally close to completion.  It will be published on January18, 2011. Which to me – feels right around the corner.  And once again – I feel like I am jumping off a cliff.  But I knew that Rodale was the right publisher the moment I walked into their beautiful offices.  Right on their wall there was a picture of one of the founders of Rodale (it is a family publishing house) – and there was this statement about being able to create, make a living AND  empower millions to take control of their health and make healthy changes in their lives.   I don’t remember the words. But it sent shivers up my spine.  Rodale was all about living an authentic life – and bringing your passion to your work.  I knew that I had come home.

So what is SHAMELESS all about? It’s my funny, sexy memoir of what happened in my life when I fully realized my desire – and how I found it.  Yes – once again – I will be described as fearless (apparently a label that I am stuck with) as I will share with you my search for sexual, personal and spiritual wholeness.  It is a journey that finally helped me heal life long issues with food, body image and gave me the strength to be a better wife, mother, friend and advocate.   According to my editor – “at it’s heart SHAMELESS is the story of a woman falling in love with herself, and a call to other women to do the same”. I love that.

And once again – I am nervous.  Because I am going to let you see me at my most vulnerable – and in many ways – I am going to let you see me naked.  Let me tell you the truth – I am not fearless.  But I want you to have what I have – and I need to show you how I have gotten there.  And in order to do that – I had to write a book.

Every day, for all of us,  is an opportunity to stretch – and to live our authentic lives a little bit deeper.  This is not about ego – this is the opposite of ego. This is about living in the place of our hearts.

It takes courage to live an authentic life. There is not a lot of hiding involved. But the alternative is something that tastes like artificially flavored vanilla ice cream. And who would want that?

PS – If you want to read the full description of my memoir,  place a pre-order through Amazon and get a great big fat discount – click here.

Shameless

Posted under Body Image, Eating Disorders, Female Self Image, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Education, IVF, Infertility, Integrated Woman, Pamela Madsen, Rodale, Rodale Books, Self Image, Sex, Shameless, sexual dyfunction, sexual health, sexuality

I never intended to become one of the best known patient advocates in the “baby making business”, otherwise known as the field of infertility. But my life has always been filled with the unexpected. After all, I was an ordinary kindergarten teacher who lived in the very common borough of the Bronx in NYC. I imagined a life of marriage and children – perhaps a dog. Marriage happened according to plan but I ended up with cockatoos….and infertility. And that led me to treatment and advocacy.

Well kids – it has been some ride. I ran the chapter of RESOLVE NYC – until I was almost run out on a wagon train because the chapter became too successful (that’s right…too successful) and the National Organization wanted me gone. I was a pain in their back side – it is one of my charms. And then I founded The American Infertility Association – which became The American Fertility Association where I served as the Founding Executive Director until February of 2008. Some of that time was wildly exciting for me – when I actually felt like I was changing lives – and building families. And some of my experiences in the rocky world of patient advocacy in the field of fertility also  left me incredibly disappointed.  But isn’t that the way with all things? There are the ups and the downs – and I am still riding them!

Is this a cut throat and overly competitive field? You betcha. There is a lot of cash and egos at stake. So if you are gonna play here…you better gird your loins.  And to be honest – I am not always so good at that.

I have lived a few lifetimes in this field – and I have always been on the inside – telling people on the outside what they needed to know. I often think that I will write my own big tell all book  about this field – it will be called “You Will Never Ovulate In This Town Again”.  But for now – I will continue to write this blog. I try to write about what it is that I think you need to know  – what the real low down is….and I talk straight…because talking straight is what I do best.

I love  sharing  with you my own journey – as a patient, advocate and  perhaps most of all as a woman.   And I am passionate about trying to help you with your journey.  I hope this blog  empower yous…encourages you-makes you laugh and in a virtual kind of way-holds you if you need to cry. If you want to scream – have at it. Perhaps sometimes we do that together.

I began my own infertility journey in 1986, which I might add – is a very different experience than it is now. First of all, there were not IVF centers on every corner like today. No, back then people actually waited on long waiting lists, traveled across the country and put themselves up in hotels for success rates that hovered around 20% per cycle if you were young enough and had no male factor infertility.

My son Tyler is only ten years younger than Louise Brown, the first IVF baby ever – he is one of the early IVF success stories in NYC (yes that now makes him a junior in college now) and my youngest Spencer who is 16 is one of the first babies born from a cryo preserved embryo. I watched the first IVF Centers spring up around the country…..

The evolution of patient care in this country for the fertility patient has been extraordinary. So while others may balk and complain – and yes things can always get better – I know we have come a long way baby in terms of accessibility to care – outcomes – technology and the introduction of holistic treatment to support our experience. We are finally in a place where we can begin to talk about the prevention of infertility in very real terms. Now that lights a fire in my belly. And that is new.

As I mentioned  in February 2008 – I resigned my post as Executive Director of The American Fertility Association, and I spent six months walking and reflecting on the past 20 years of my work in the field. God…I really do need to write that book!!!!  But as life is  – I am writing another book instead that was recently purchased by Rodale Press, called “SHAMELESS” – it’s not really about the fertility industry – except that everything about me is touched in some way by the fertility industry – so you will get a glimpse of that too in SHAMELESS’s pages.   Instead this is  a book about female sexual awakening – and the impact that had upon all of the aspects of my life.  It’s a memoir – and I hope that you will read it when it comes out.  It’s yet another way for me to be bridge between the worlds of talking heads and real life people. It’s what I do best.  As the book gets closer to it’s publication date in Winter 2011 – I will write more about it.

I can tell you that all in all, my tenure in the patient organization world of infertility advocacy was one of the most special times in my life. There were times when I could do exactly what needed to be done on behalf of patients – I can tell you how hard all of my staff worked and all that we accomplished – and I deeply believe in the work of patient organizations – but I also deeply believe that the way that all fertility patient organizations in this country  are funded has to change.  Because what is happening is that the tail is wagging the dog – not the other way around. The pressures on patient organizations in this field – are like no other – simply because fertility is a field like no other. And the patient organizations are pressured constantly by industry, physicians, pharma – all which have a stake in the big business of infertility. And no matter what – in order to survive – on one level or another – big business is being served by the patient groups – simply because the patient groups they have no choice. There is very little other funding available. It is a difficult dance for our charitable groups, and it is exhausting to dance that particular tango.

That is why I love writing this blog.  In all of my twenty some odd years of patient advocacy – I have never had this freedom in speaking my mind. Because outside of Dr. Kreiner at East Coast Fertility – I report to no one for the first time in my professional life. And have you read his blog The Fertility Doc? If you haven’t – you should.  Dr. Kreiner is as outspoken as I am  – and is willing to say what is not popular.   Frankly – he rocks.

When I left The AFA – I decided I needed to stay in this field – but I didn’t want to start another patient organization.. For me, those days were over. I wanted to go to work directly for someone in the field. I wanted to be able to do what I felt needed to be done for the women in this country – which was to talk honestly about fertility and sexuality – and educate OB/GYNs who are the gate keepers.  Dr. Kreiner and this blog – have given me that chance to continue my work.  For that I am so deeply grateful.

This dog is now wagging her own tail. And I am getting out there every day – speaking out for people with infertility and campaigning for fertility education and calling a spade and spade.

For me – it is surprisingly the same work I have always wanted to do, except that I am on the ground in the trenches in a way that I have not been in a long time. I am often in gyn offices  and I get to speak one-on-one with my doctors about the short fall of information for women. I am still talking to the media. But now I am reaching out in ways that I could only have imagined when working as a patient advocate in the confines of a patient organization.

It’s a new world. It’s the same world. And I love being here every day talking about all of it.  My readership just hit a peek of 7000 readers a month.  I want to thank you for jacking in – for being so supportive – for re-posting my blogs and telling others about it.  I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity to keep doing what I do – and every now and then – it feels so good to say thank you!

Posted under Uncategorized

I recently discovered Daphne Merkin after reading her cover story on depression in The New York Times, “A Journey Through Darkness” .  Daphne is a fearless writer who has written on many controversial topics in her own voice and through her own eyes.  It’s not an easy thing to do. Daphne puts it out there and invites controversy.  Bravo. I love fearless. And the fact is – women like Daphne give me the courage to do what I do – and live how I live.

After I read the piece in The Times online, I was motivated to find and read  other writings by Merkin.  And while these writings have been talked about for several years in the on line commentary that I recently found – they were all new to me.

First there was the piece that ran in The New Yorker on sensual spanking (“Unlikely Obsession”) which apparently raised a few eyebrows and no doubt a few skirts -  and then there was another controversial piece that ran in The New York Times called “Our Vaginas, Ourselves” - where Merkin talks about the new world of shall we call it ”The Cosmetic Vagina” and female self loathing.

Merkin talks about the world of Brazilian waxes, hymen reattachment, labia reshaping and shortening and what it says about how we view our female genitals. I celebrate the fact that she writes it all – through her eyes – and that the NY Times publishes it. But Merkin misses the mark when she says -

“Truth be told, I always considered myself lucky to have escaped coming of age at the height of the consciousness-raising era, when anatomical self-examination took on the aspect of a collective ritual. Those were the days when women felt obliged to convene in sisterly circles with mirrors and flashlights the better to study their bodies, themselves. Never having been one to enjoy group activities of any sort, the thought of becoming more closely acquainted with my private parts in a public setting seems potentially traumatizing rather than liberating or, God knows, celebratory”.

Actually – that is the problem. The problem is that most women do not know what female genitalia past the pubic mound looks like. And if we as women don’t know our bodies and have a healthy self image  how are we supposed to have sexual pleasure and a healthy relationship to our own bodies? It is through the not seeing and the not knowing where women often self destruct as sexual beings. Yeah – I know. If you read me on any regular basis – you have heard me rant about this before. And I probably will again.

Women don’t grow up like young boys stealing glances in the locker room to see what is going on with other same sex bodies.  We have no idea of the diversity of the “Vagina” and we can’t even agree on what to call female genitalia- a subject that gets most sexologists screaming that “the vagina is the birth canal” and not a good descriptor of a woman’s sex organs.

Perhaps if women could see more of other women’s inner sexual landscapes – if it was alright for women to look – we women would get it that each vulva is a unique work of art.  Instead – the only pictures of female genitals that most women see are the air brushed and clipped versions in the journals of Playboy.

Women don’t get to see images of real women.

For Merkin to celebrate the fact that she missed the age of the brave pioneering women who came together to explore the great unknown – mirror and flash light in hand – is truly a disservice to those that came before her – and for all of us today. The fact is that there are still rare opportunities – and few books outside of medical manuals that give women the opportunity to see the diversity of vulva’s celebrated. If they did – Dr. David Matlock’s practice of “Vaginal Rejuvenation” wouldn’t be so popular.

There is a part of me that hates myself for criticizing Merkin at all. Look – she is out there and she is at least sparking the conversation in very reputable publications about female sexuality in a way that is real and in the first person. That takes courage.  Trust me – I get it.  After all – I just sold my memoir “SHAMELESS” to Rodale Press tentatively set to published Winter 2011.  And I am sure that people who have plenty to say about my take on female sexuality when it is published as well!

You see – putting it out there is not always rewarded.  For Daphne’s fearlessness she gets to not only take it on the chin for her bravery by “sexual conservatives” but also by well known outspoken sex activists like Susie Bright and Dr. Betty Dobson for example in this excellent and  scathing commentary “Daphne Merkin Needs to get Spanked Again”. But it is the fact that I can take her on that is so wonderful! Daphne is a big girl – and she is putting it out there – I suspect she can take care of herself. And she is doing a service to all of us by taking this conversation whether you agree with her or not into publications like The New Yorker and The New York Times so that there is a public discourse on issues that are never talked about.

So – we don’t all agree. But at least we are starting to talk about sex in a new and open way.  Fearlessly and if I might add – shamelessly as well. 

Posted under Body Image, Female Self Image, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, sexual health, sexuality

I think that I have become of an age where I finally understand those older women who wear red hats and purple dresses. You know the ones. They belong to “The Red Hat Society” - and that hat signifies that they are now old enough to say what they want, and to do what they want in a completely shameless and unapologetic way.  They have arrived, and they want to have fun, and be a little silly.  Perhaps you can be of any age to join the Red Hats, but I also saw them as older women.  Perhaps, because I tied the Red Hat Ladies together in my mind with this wonderful poem about aging and finally being free to be:

WARNING

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens . . .

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

I think that I am going to start wearing purple a little more often. I am not sure about the red hat.  For me, a part of living a shameless and unapologetic life has been around healing the issues that I have continually struggled with around my own  body image, and how I  perceive myself.  It’s been a real journey for me to finally get to where I am – and when I look around at other women who seem to embody how I want to feel about myself in the world I always seem to come back to ladies like  Mo’Nique or Queen Latifah.

These women really talk to me. They embody and project how I choose to face each day. I totally get them – and I love their out of the box sexiness. The way they look at the world and make no apologies for their lives and their bodies. I love how they shake their hips, their round asses and flaunt who they are in the world. They believe that they are Sex Goddesses on a cellular level and really project what so many of us work so hard at understanding – sexiness comes from the inside out. How can you not look at these women and not see “Hot” in their plus size bodies? It’s all about how we feel about ourselves and how we present that feeling to the world. I love that. And I want more images of that for young girls and women.

I have spent a life time learning to love my body and feel my own sexiness. It isn’t always easy work loving my size 14 shape – and I have been bigger. I have spent a great deal of time standing naked in front of a mirror (not for the weak of heart) really learning to love exactly who I am at each given moment. I recommend it. I have even had sexy pictures taken of myself so that I could see myself as a sensual and erotic being – all 170 pounds of me. It is odd to say that it was hard work doing a lot of what I have done to work through my own body issues – but being on the path to self acceptance and healing all of my hurt parts around my body has been one of the biggest struggles of my life. And I am not there yet. I often wake up and have an Atkins Breakfast, move on to Weight Watchers at lunch and slide into South Beach at dinner! I still fret, but I have stopped hating my body most of the time. It is a practice to move into feeling sexy from the inside out. And you have to stay on top of it!

Because let’s face it, It can be hard to hold onto that sexy feeling when most of the images of beauty that surround us are of women who are a size 4. And even they aren’t thin enough. Recently, Ralph Lauren fired model Filippia Hamilton for being too fat!

And to make matters worse – they altered Hamilton’s picture to make her look even thinner. This anorexic image that is not even real is being put out there for women to not only long for – but it is now another image that women can use to tell themselves that they don’t measure up. Shame on Ralph Lauren – perhaps a group of women in red hats and purple dresses should spend a little time with Ralph alone!

Weighty Matters are always on my mind. But when the CBS Morning Show focused their broadcast yesterday on the subject it really got me thinking about the images of beauty in our society and how it has changed. Perhaps it was all of the images of chubby beauty that they showed from “The Three Graces” to “The Large Bathers” that really touched me. It was so affirming to see these images of fleshy, curvy women as a standard of beauty!

Because you cannot deny sexy. Just check out this image of “Precious” star Gabby Sidibe! Hardly our classic image today of sexy – but that is exactly what we see because that is what she is feeling inside! There is nothing apologetic about that girl

The fact is – we are all perfect. The human body is an amazing thing – and in real life no one is air brushed. But we humans are fragile creatures – we need reminders in our environment that beauty comes in all kinds of packages. We need to see realistic images of people that look like we do BEING beautiful, because that is how we learn how to do it ourselves.

I believe that once we empower all women to start seeing themselves as sexy, beautiful beings again – they will – as a collective sexy spirit change a marketers need to alter the images of women’s  bodies down to a size 0.  We need to stop making apologies – and start asking for what we want that will make us feel good now.  Perhaps we all need to walk around a little bit in purple dresses and red hats.  Maybe then, people will get the idea!

Posted under Body Image, Shameless, The Red Hat Society, sexuality