the fertility advocate

Talking, writing, educating, and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years

One of the hardest part of trying to conceive is what it can do to your sex life.  I remember being told that I had “Hostile Cervical Mucus”…..now isn’t that hot? “Come on Honey – Don’t you want me and my hostile vagina? Doesn’t that feel welcoming? Well – it didn’t to me.

I felt like my body was saying that it didn’t want to receive my husband and my husband’s potential babies. It rocked my world. For a while I was really shut down sexually. I felt like my body was not warm and welcoming. I felt the opposite of sexy. I didn’t feel fertile and lush. I was everything that was not. Just think of the other diagnoses…”habitual aborter” or “premature ovarian failure”. Isn’t this is really sexy stuff?

Of course we feel sexually damage and our self image plummets! How could it not?

And then we move into timed sex and the list goes on. And society connects children with virility.  But it is not true that a man who has many children is more sexual than a man who has none. The man with many children may actually be an awful lover – and the man with none may be a regular Don Juan – but the children is what everyone sees and uses as a measure. The same thing goes for a woman.

So how do we manage to separate our sexuality of our ability to procreate especially when there is all of this data that hot sex helps conception? I find myself getting terribly frustrated with those fluffy pieces about taking bubble baths and lighting candles.

Come on…if it was that easy all of us would hardly have any skin left from all the constant bathing!

We truly have to do more than that.  In my fertility and sexuality coaching practice – I work with many women who are trying to conceive, or are survivors of the IVF and infertility wars who feel incredibly shut down sexually. I knew that they needed more than bullshit advice on how to reconnect to their sexuality. That is why I developed along with Circle and Bloom, “Shameless Baby Making: For Hot Baby Making Sex Again….” which is a meditation created especially for this community to heal their relationship with their bodies and sexuality. You can reconnect and love your body again – I know that this is true because I did it.  And I know that it has to begin with reconnecting with your own body again from the inside out – it’s not fixable by romantic dinners and candles.  The collateral damage that infertility leaves behind is just too big to be fixed with platitudes.

It is possible to learn to let go of our diagnosis’s and the pressure to perform. It is possible to reconnect to our bodies and feel pleasure again in being a sexual being.

It took me a long time for me to get my groove back, and I understand how important this is.  My self image and sexuality was thrown to the ground from infertility. I recovered – and I know that you can too. But I also know that it will take effort!  If you would like to speak about recovering your self image and sexuality during or after infertility - I would be happy to offer you a free consultation.

About Pam Madsen
Talking, writing, educating and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years
2 total comments on this postSubmit yours
  1. Pam, infertility is a battle that my first wife and I fought, way back in the bad ole days ! she became manic, as all around her who did not want children were falling pregnant, and she could not. The timed sex destroyed all beauty and fun in our sexuality.

    30 years later, a new world has opened up in my understanding of infertility; my baby daughter of that marriage (yes, we went on to have 2 boys and 2 girls) has developed the ability to ‘see’ when a soul has ‘chosen’ a woman as his or her parent !

    Until such time as you have been ‘chosen’ as a parent, as the conduit thru which a baby can come into this world, you can stand on your head, girate naked in the main street, bathe in white vinegar or pray to the gods, and you will not fall pregnant.

    My daughter is able to connect with the soul and find out when they are planning to make their entry to this world . . . it may only be a few years hence, in which case you can relax, enjoy casula sex with your partner and forget all about the ‘business’ of creating a baby.

    Those couples engaging in hectic IVF programmes would do well to seek out the guidance of a medical intuitive who has this gift . . .

  2. Thank you for the advice, my husband and I have been trying for a few years now and were thinking of going to a frozen egg bank and this has caused us to become boring in bed, your tips are a helpful reminder it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Thanks!!!

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Talking, writing, educating, and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years

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