One of the hardest part of trying to conceive is what it can do to your sex life. I remember being told that I had “Hostile Cervical Mucus”…..now isn’t that hot? “Come on Honey – Don’t you want me and my hostile vagina? Doesn’t that feel welcoming? Well – it didn’t to me.
I felt like my body was saying that it didn’t want to receive my husband and my husband’s potential babies. It rocked my world. For a while I was really shut down sexually. I felt like my body was not warm and welcoming. I felt the opposite of sexy. I didn’t feel fertile and lush. I was everything that was not. Just think of the other diagnoses…”habitual aborter” or “premature ovarian failure”. Isn’t this is really sexy stuff?
Of course we feel sexually damage and our self image plummets! How could it not?
And then we move into timed sex and the list goes on. And society connects children with virility. But it is not true that a man who has many children is more sexual than a man who has none. The man with many children may actually be an awful lover – and the man with none may be a regular Don Juan – but the children is what everyone sees and uses as a measure. The same thing goes for a woman.
So how do we manage to separate our sexuality of our ability to procreate especially when there is all of this data that hot sex helps conception? I find myself getting terribly frustrated with those fluffy pieces about taking bubble baths and lighting candles.
Come on…if it was that easy all of us would hardly have any skin left from all the constant bathing!
We truly have to do more than that. In my fertility and sexuality coaching practice – I work with many women who are trying to conceive, or are survivors of the IVF and infertility wars who feel incredibly shut down sexually. I knew that they needed more than bullshit advice on how to reconnect to their sexuality. That is why I developed along with Circle and Bloom, “Shameless Baby Making: For Hot Baby Making Sex Again….” which is a meditation created especially for this community to heal their relationship with their bodies and sexuality. You can reconnect and love your body again – I know that this is true because I did it. And I know that it has to begin with reconnecting with your own body again from the inside out – it’s not fixable by romantic dinners and candles. The collateral damage that infertility leaves behind is just too big to be fixed with platitudes.
It is possible to learn to let go of our diagnosis’s and the pressure to perform. It is possible to reconnect to our bodies and feel pleasure again in being a sexual being.
It took me a long time for me to get my groove back, and I understand how important this is. My self image and sexuality was thrown to the ground from infertility. I recovered – and I know that you can too. But I also know that it will take effort! If you would like to speak about recovering your self image and sexuality during or after infertility - I would be happy to offer you a free consultation.