When I worked in the non profit fertility world – it took a lot of pushing to bring sexuality to the agenda. I love telling the story of being at some professional sexuality society meeting – standing at The American Fertility Association’s booth as founding executive director when the head of the professional organization for fertility doctors walked up to me in surprise.
“What are you doing here Pamela? This is a sexuality conference!”
I looked at him with a great big grin on my face and said – “Why – Doctor! Didn’t you know that many people have sex to have babies? It is often connected! Why wouldn’t I be here?”
With that we all laughed – and he scurried away.
Great story – but it’s telling isn’t it? Somehow, in the world of reproductive medicine – the important role of sexuality is getting lost.
And yet we don’t have two different reproductive systems – one for pleasure and one for baby making. All of this – whether we are male or female – happens in the same place. If you want to read a book that does a wonderful job explaining the anatomy of sex and reproduction – check our Sheri Winston’s book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal”. Sheri’s book as a great chapter complete with diagrams that you might find helpful on the subject.
But as a Fertility and Sex Geek (other wise known as a Fertility and Sex educator) let me try to explain some of the anatomy for you and how pleasurable sex can help you conceive! I believe in this so much that I created a fabulous guided meditation with my friend at Circle and Bloom called “Shameless Baby Making!”
This is a very edited down quote from my guided meditation that you would find on the program explaining how this all works:
“There is a special part of the brain called the hypothalamus that triggers a hormonal cascade that speaks directly to the parts our pelvic floor that respond when we get “turned on”. If we are able to allow the blood flow into all the tissues in your “lower heater” – from your navel all the way down to your sit bones – you will feel heaviness in your sexy parts and full of life as blood fills your engorge-able tissues.
Did you know that you have a ring of engorge-able tissue that completely surrounds the entrance of vagina – think of them as the rings of Saturn. This ring magic ring of engorge-able tissue fills with blood when you are allowing your body to surrender to pleasure. This is not so different than when a man gets en-gored in their sexy parts – for us girls it’s under the skin and just harder to see. Women have beds of special blood vessels that fill with blood during our arousal and hold the blood until it is pumped back into normal circulation during our climax. The amount that we lubricate is dependent on that entrapped blood to drive the lubrication to the surface so that sex feels great and aids conception. See – pleasure is good! This ring of engorge-able tissues helps the sperm stay closer to the entrance of the uterus – which is where we want it to be. Did you know that your uterus can have an orgasm? Pelvic floor engorgement triggers a special response in the muscles that connect the uterus to the engorge-able tissues of the pelvic floor. When these special tissues engorge with blood, the “round ligaments”of the uterus contract pulling the uterus into what has been called “uterine flight” – which is when the uterus flies up and back and down again. And then the cervix does something magical as well – it moves up towards the back of the vaginal canal inviting the sperm right into the opening of the cervix and into the uterus, to eventually meet with your waiting egg.”
Now all of this talk about sex and fertility – and there are readers who are doing IVF (in vitro-fertilization) where conception does feel very separate from sex. If that is you – you may be saying “That’s great but my eggs are being collected by a needle and put into a little glass dish with sperm. Who cares about my pelvic floor!” Duly noted!
But it’s still not different in some odd way for the men! In most cases – men still need to have an orgasm to produce the sperm for fertilization and it is usually done under great stress in a collection room – alone with a cup and porn that they most likely they have found in the collection room. What we know about sperm production and sex – is that the more excited the man is the better his sperm will be. So pay attention to how you or your partner is supplying the sperm! Does he have something with him that will really turn him on? Or can you be in the room with him to make it a hotter experience for him?
I know – you are may be squirming. We don’t like to think about this when it comes to making a baby and fertility. But we need to.
If we want better conception rates – we have to pay attention to the sexual experiences that go into making a baby – even if it involves masturbation.
And you know what? Trying to Conceive Sex, Infertility, and Reproductive Medicine can bring trouble to our self esteem and our sexuality at any stage of the journey. It is like our sexual engines become collateral damage! How do you reclaim that? How are you suppose to feel turned on – when everything is saying turn off?
I am running for the first time a workshop in NYC on June 14th at The META Center on the secret ingredients of being a turned on woman. Now this workshop and the following four week tele-seminar (you can attend the workshop, or the tele-seminar separately or together!) was not created just for women trying to conceive – or women who are pregnant or postpartum. But I am letting my fertility readers know about this program – as I think it could really help!
I will also be available to answer your questions – and help you get some skip back into your step no matter where you are in your journey.
Infertility can be such a robber. Don’t let it take the pleasure out of your life – especially when in this case – welcoming pleasure may help you fulfill your dream.