the fertility advocate

Talking, writing, educating, and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years

Best Friends Forever – Infertility and Beyond

Tonight I am going out for drinks and dinner with Lisa and Anne. They are my BFF (Best Friends Forever). I just learned what “BFF” means…..I asked my husband if he knew – thinking that it was some kind of new gender orientation that somehow I missed. He looked at me laughing “Honey – BFF means best friends forever!”

I am so not cool.

But I do have BFF’s – and there is a special grace in that. Lisa and I have known each other since we were little girls. We went through almost everything today – boyfriends – weddings – the deaths of our fathers – infertility – teaching at the same school – and working together at RESOLVE NYC, and The AFA.

Probably our infertility was the hardest time in our friendship

There was a time when we were in treatment together at the same center – we would meet early in the morning at our IVF Center (of course we shared doctors and clinics) go for scans – and then these huge breakfasts with piles of bacon. We would talk on the phone for hours about how cute our doctor was, how many follicles we had, and how fluffy our uterine lining was. We kept each other afloat.

But our pregnancies did not come in any kind of fair order. I conceived both my boys and birthed them before she conceived her first. Those were the days that our answer machines often talked to each other more than we did. It was a carefully timed dance of calling when you knew the other person would not be home. We managed to hold it together with a dance of avoidance and connection. And before I knew it – Lisa that three beautiful daughters all conceived without the help of technology after countless attempts with whatever it was the doctors had up their sleeves. What is that saying “and God laughs?”

I met Anne through the New York Times. She was a reporter there and interviewed me on infertility several times. I don’t know what happened – but we clicked. Anne is a brilliant writer and much of what still lives on The AFA website is a blend of my voice and Anne’s skill as a writer.

When Lisa left The AFA a year before I did – I didn’t know how I was going to do it without her. Anne left The AFA a few months after I did. Yet the three of us are still together.

A little tribe of short, curveous, mid life women that have shared almost every breath of our lives together for so many years that I could not imagine a day could go by without talking to them – about five times each.

Best Friends Forever is a real thing. It can live through so much – the bonds can be stronger than blood. Best Friends Forever can also be a decision – not to let life get in the way. Lisa and I found a way to get through the times when I was pregnant twice – and she was still waiting. Anne and I found a way to get through other difficulties with major life transitions. But we never let go of each other hands. Not for anything or anyone.

Today I feel like celebrating the power of friendship. Call your special someone. Tell her/him how much you love them – and that no matter what life brings your way – you will be BFF.

About Pam Madsen
Talking, writing, educating and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years
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Talking, writing, educating, and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years

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