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Talking, writing, educating, and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years

When The Infertile Become Pregnant

Murgdan the fertility blogger who writes her blog at Conceive This! and at Fertility Authority is pregnant after infertility, and under fire. Or so it seems from her recent blog “Oil and Water”.  What Murgdan is dealing with is as old as infertility – and I have written about what we folks who are trying to conceive do to our own when they become pregnant. It’s not often pretty.

Instead of just celebrating this pregnancy – Murgdan is having to deal with all of the reactions of her readership which is mixed and varied.  From jealously to the “pain game” of who has suffered the longest and therefore “deserving” of a baby.  Just reading this made my stomach crawl with memories of having to feel shame over my own pregnant belly years ago at a RESOLVE NYC conference that I was Chairing.  I was encouraged to hide my belly to the best of my ability – and leave as quickly as possible after my opening remarks that were suppose to be about explaining my pregnant bulge so that the audience would know that I suffered long and hard enough to have earned it.

In other disease groups we celebrate survivor-ship. The ones that made it and beat the odds.  In infertility, too often our own patient community turns our backs at our own survivors who are still coping in a world on uncertainity.

The infertile who become pregnant often don’t feel like they belong in either world. Not the fertilie or the infertile.  They have to step on egg shells around their  TTC friends – and often don’t have the easy, breezy feeling of pregnancy that people who conceive through S.E.X. have.

The folks who are flaming Murgdan really need to get a life. Back off – and go away. Her pregnancy will not replace yours. There are no last miracles – life  just does not work that way. She is in the midst of her own experience of the newly pregnant after infertility. It is a wild ride – and you may want to come along for it – or not.  But as Murgdan writes – it is her blog. It is a reflection of what she is going through – and I hope that she continues to write from her heart without censor.  You may no longer be interested in her blog as it evolves into the Murgdan that she is becoming. And it is fine to move on. As for the rest of us – I am not leaving Murgdan right now. She needs her friends now more than she ever has.

About Pam Madsen
Talking, writing, educating and change making in the field of fertility for more than twenty years
2 total comments on this postSubmit yours
  1. You know when I became pregnant it was after 16 years of trying. I can remember meeting a dear friend who like me had been trying for many years as well — I think she had been trying for about 20 years. I was probably in the start of my 3rd trimester with my big ole belly displayed for all to see — you couldn’t miss it! And my friend did the best thing ever, when she met me she embraced my belly and said I was the most beautiful thing ever. I was so worried about seeing her.

    The story gets better, she went on about a year later to conceive at the age of 40 and delivered twins. A boy and a girl. For her it was a happy ending.

    I can relate to your post because I never knew where I fit in. Before my son I felt I was in the trenches, and when I finally conceived I too received the polite congrats — but my gosh I had been waiting and biding my time for 16+ years, you’d think I could at least get a booyah!

    I hear lots and lots from those who are affected by infertility that they really aren’t infertile after having baby three or four through IVF and don’t know if they are welcome on boards where infertility is the focus.

    I agree those who flame should shut the hell up already.

  2. Thank you so much, Pam. I’ve seen this from the other end a million times–and even if I’ve experienced some of the feelings firsthand, I always kept them to myself (because that’s just what you do).

    The saddest thing about the community being this way was that there was a part of me, during our first IVF, that was actually relieved when it failed. Not relieved for me and not that I wouldn’t have been as overjoyed then as I am now, but I knew that at least my support system would remain intact and that no one would secretly be hating my guts.

    Then again, as I’ve learned, when you put it all out there, you just tend to get some ugly back. Never did I dream that my own grief over my first failure made someone angry…as I hadn’t yet ‘earned’ my grief badge.

    I don’t think it’s as sad that people feel those feelings, I think it’s sad that they don’t know when it’s appropriate to just keep their mouths shut.

    Thanks for writing this. My heart swelled when I read it at work this morning. I was like a kid at the playground getting picked on and you came and shook your finger at the bully.

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