So, it’s the beginning of the New Year and I am wandering around my kitchen thinking about what I am going to do for breakfast. I want toast - but the New Year’s Resolution that I made was all about the continuation of my Atkins Program. I have other things on my list too - keeping my closet in an orderly manner - buying less - and keeping up on my exercise program. I often find making New Years Resolutions boring. It often feels like the same things over and over again. On Facebook - someone started a thread where she asked for people to come up with one word to describe their New Years Resolutions. I liked that a lot. I was able to come up with a list of words that described how I want to FEEL or BE in the New Year. Here is my list:

1. Happy

2. Compassionate

3. Couragous

4. Inspired

5. Forgiving

6. Laughter

7. Fit

8.Trouble Maker

9. Friend

10. Change Maker

Take a stab at it. I think it is a great exercise! I also heard from Dr Bonnie Wise, OB/GYN with Northwestern Specialists for Women who shared her ideas for 10 Realistic Resolutions for optimal health is 2009. Dr. Wise talked about health resolutions that all women can achieve and the importance of staying healthy in a recession.

According to Dr. Wise - it is  unlikely that you’ll lose 30 lbs in 2 months, quit smoking, give up sweets forever, get to the gym 7 days a week, and never drink a glass of wine again. Unrealistic resolutions are commonplace, with statistics showing that 90% of Americans make annual resolutions and 30% are broken within one month.  Well, I didn’t eat toast this morning!!

So here are Dr. Wise’s Top Ten Realistic and Everyday health resolutions for women to consider….

1. Get Active & Make Fitness Fun

Get your body moving and your heart rate up for at least 30 minutes a day, 3-5 times per week. Not only does regular exercise reduce stress, your energy and metabolism levels will increase. So, take the stairs and explore different sports to see what you enjoy most. If fitness isn’t your favorite activity, consider something different like bellydancing classes, yoga, pilates, pole dancing, aerobics, self defense and more. A tip for the early birds: working out in the morning is best because keeps your metabolism high all day!

2. Drop Sizes Safely

Weight loss goals are safest for the body when achieved slowly over time. Losing 1-2 lbs. per week is a healthy, realistic goal. Of course, you may lose weight and stay the same on the scale – keep in mind that muscle weights three times as much as fat!

3 Portion Control

Denying yourself every food you crave will simply make you desire more. Instead, allow yourself to eat meals and snacks in moderation and appropriate size portions while avoiding seconds. For example, one serving of meat (3 oz.) should be about the size of a deck of cards, while one serving of pasta (1/2 cup) is the size of a tennis ball.

4. Make Sense of Nutrition

It is hard to change your body without understanding what you should be putting in it. Start reading the labels of your products and research the recommended amounts of each food group. Over time, things will start to make sense. For those looking to learn quickly, consult a nutritionist or research online.

 5. Curb Caffeine and Hydrate

Over 50% of Americans above the age of 18 drink 3.1 cups of coffee per day, while soda consumption is now reported to be growing even more rapidly. Not only do these beverages add chemicals to the body, they also dehydrate. Cut down on caffeine and increase your water consumption. Easy tip: before every cup of coffee or soda, drink a glass of water first.

6. Build Strong Bones

Osteoporosis is a health threat for 44 million Americans, but with vitamins and diet you can build strong, healthy bones. Increase calcium in your diet with three servings of dairy a day, such as skim milk, low-fat cheeses, and yogurt. Nondairy options include canned salmon with bones, dark green vegetables, dried beans and calcium-fortified juices and cereals.

Recommended Calcium Amounts:

From age 11 to 24, between 1,200 and 1,500 milligrams daily

From age 25 to 50, 1,000 milligrams daily

For postmenopausal women 1500 milligrams daily, 1200 mg if on menopausal hormone therapy

For pregnant and breastfeeding women, 1,200-1,500 milligrams daily

7. Dose Up on D

Without the proper amount of Vitamin D, calcium absorption is reduced. Vitamin D is found in fatty fish, fish liver oil and dairy products fortified with vitamin D. The recommended amount for adults is 200-600 international units a day. Vitamin D is also great for combating symptoms of winter depression during the long and dreary Chicago winters.

8. Get Checked Out

Take a trip to the doctor and do the recommended tests to solidify a clean bill of health. You will be grateful you did!

Osteoporosis - screenings recommended for women 65+

Annual Mammograms - should begin at 40

Annual Pap Smears - should begin at 21

Colorectal Cancer  - start screening at 50

Skin cancer  - screenings should begin at 50

Blood and cholesterol tests  - should be taken every 5 years, starting at 20

*begin testing earlier if you are predisposed or have a family history with a health risk

 9. Guard Against Stress

With family, the house, friends and an economy in chaos, it is easy for the stress-o-meter to hit the red zone. It is imperative to take steps to de-stress; without doing so your job, relationships, happiness and overall health will suffer. Pamper yourself with a massage, warm bath, or a quiet night in at least once a month, if not more.

10. Cut Back on Alcohol and Cigarettes

Quitting smoking isn’t easy, but if you adopt a healthier lifestyle you will find your cravings will lessen. With strength and will power, they can go away for good. All changes are gradual, so if you slowly decrease your intake of both, you will find that you don’t need them like you thought you did. To achieve optimal health or if trying to conceive, you should not smoke at all and limit alcohol intake to the equivalent of one unit per day.

So are we ready for 2009? It is the beginning of the first full week!!! Rev your engines! Take it on - deep deep - have fun - and let’s make it happen!!!!

Posted under Atkins Diet Program, Coping with the holidays, Dr Bonnie Wise, Facebook, Fertility, Health Care Crisis for Infertile, New Year's Resolutions, Northwestern Specialists for Women, Self Image, What Every Women Can Do To Take Care of Themselves, Women's Health Care, change

My usual reaction when I hear about women of a “certain age” getting pregnant with donor egg - is a shaking of my head…and a “tsk, tsk, tsk”. My usual reaction is a feeling of shame for our field - what are we doing helping women who are well past naturally occurring menopause give birth to children? Sometimes, I am absolutely indignant. I rant about the how old the child will be when the parents are in assisted living facilities! I wax poetic about how reproductive medicine should not be used as a “reproductive face lift”.  Every time one of these stories hits the news media - I cringe for the entire field.

And then I read the story of Rajo Devi, an Indian woman who recently gave birth at age 70 to a little girl after fifty years of marriage.  Rajo Devi and her husband of fifty years who is 72 years old, used fertility treatments.  I read in the article about this couple lived through fifty five years of longing for a child. How this couple did everything in their power for over fifty years to have a child. How they lived a life of social stigma and alienation from  their society because of their infertility.  I felt their pain as I imagined what life had been like for them.

Husband Ram addressed the fears of the child saying that they had an extended family that was willing to support them in the raising of their child.

I imagined their joy. I imagined the relief and happiness as this couple held their daughter. Finally they had a child to love - and were able to feel connected to their community. I could feel the shame that they carried almost their entire lives melt away.

Everyday, children are conceived with no intentions at all. Everyday children are born with no plan in place for their future lives. Children have for years been conceived in such a mindless manner that it is amazing that anyone at all was available to raise them. 

I found myself for the first time, defending a seventy year old woman’s right to have a baby.

Posted under Donor Sperm, Egg Donation, Fertility, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Long Awaited Children, world's oldest mother

A friend of mine has been chatting with me about the relationship between being able to make a living and doing the right thing. I think what she is talking about really is the ability to live our authentic lives without fetters - without the fear of losing our job - without the fear of perhaps not being honored or loved for being who we truly are. I get that, and I have lived that.

I have mostly been lucky in my life. I have been able to turn my life’s passion into my work - at least most of the time. I truly love what I do - many moons ago - I was a volunteer in this field. Now, I am well paid for my passion.  I didn’t mind giving of my time - but I do like getting paid for my passion. I love being able to support my family doing something that I care deeply about. For me, that is a blessing.

But is that what she is talking about? I think partly - but I also think that my friend is also talking about our ability to really be able to say what we want to say - and know in our heart that we are doing the absolutely right thing - and that we are not compromised by our work.

It’s tricky stuff. When I worked in the  non profit world - we were dependent on donations. It was a dance between working with sponsors - and in this case - that would be physicans, and allied industry such as pharmaceuticals, ovulation predictor kit folks and the like, adoption experts, lawyers, surrogacy agencies, and sperm banks. The list of interested stake holders was quite endless - and so was the list of people that felt that they were not getting their fair share from the organization that they had invested in. There were times that I had to bite the hand that fed me - and there were times that I should have bitten harder - but didn’t out of fear of losing funding. That is honest - and to say that compromises were not made - would not be truthful.

It was a constant juggling of doing the right thing for our patient community - and trying not to infuriate the sponsors. It is a dance that I am happy that I don’t have to do anymore. I don’t miss the bullying by people that felt that they were entitled to something because they gave money.  I don’t miss the egos that used money in an attempt to gain control. I don’t miss the vulnerability that I felt dancing the line between doing the right thing - and making sure that we kept the doors open. I don’t miss it at all.

It is true spiritual work to come clean about where we are living our own authentic lives - and were we are’nt. When I was going through infertility the first time - I hid it from most people. I didn’t want my friends and family to know. I felt if they knew the truth about my inability to get pregnant that I would be judged. That I would be seen as less of a woman.

It was only when I was able to “come clean” about what was going on in my life - that doors opened for me. When I was able to truly embrace all of my parts - even the parts of me that felt broken - that true change happened for me in my life.  I have given up shame. We all have broken parts - we all fail - and we all make mistakes.

Sometimes, we even make big, loud, mistakes. But a part of living our own authentic lives is to make peace with those parts of ourselves as well.  A part of living an authentic life is to learn forgiveness.  I don’t just mean for other people - we need to learn to forgive ourselves. And here is the tricky thing about forgiveness - we can only be responsible for our own ability to forgive - we can’t be responsible for someone elses ability to forgive us. 

The ability to forgive can take practice! But take heart -  there are no doubt plenty of opportunities for us to practice forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves.

Every day is an opportunity to stretch - and to live our authentic lives a little big deeper.  This is not about ego - this is the opposite of ego. This is about living in the place of our hearts.

2009 is a wonderful opportunity for all us to step into a new time together. For those of us that work together in the fertility community - I challenge us to work even harder at working together in 2009. To leave our stories about each other on the door with out egos - and put our patient community first - for they deserve no less.

And for those of us that are seeking information about fertility - or struggling to have a baby right now - I challenge us to love all of our parts this year - even the parts that feel broken. I challenge us to say what we mean when we are facing our care givers. I challenge us to really go deeply into ourselves - and speak the truth of our hearts in what we want for ourselves and our families  - and insist on nothing less.

It takes courage to live an authentic life. There is not a lot of hiding involved. But the alternative is something that tastes like artificially flavored vanilla ice cream. And who would want that?

Happy New Year everyone! 2008 was a kicker for so many people….let’s close the door on all that went before - and open to a fabulous 2009 together!

Pamela

Posted under Coping with the holidays, Egg Donation, Fertility, IVF, Infertility, New Year's Resolutions, Opening to your Life's Purpose, adoption, change

Over the next few days - I am going to be blogging about the upcoming New Year. Brace yourself!!!  I am big on New Year’s. Not that I am big on going out - dancing under a mirrored ball - or having an expensive dinner. Usually I am home with my family. But there is something really cool about the New Year marker - open to the possibilities of a new time in our lives.  It is a reflective time for me - and perhaps for you too.

I live in NYC - yesterday it was warm and today the wind is blowing - and I know that cold air will meet my face as I venture out to a morning meeting. I don’t feel like going - but I am interested in who I will be meeting.

Today I am meeting with a woman who is making a documentary about infertility and then another meeting with another woman who is launching a new website for infertility. I love people who create.  Who generate positive energy into the world. Who knows if their projects will be successful or not. I hope so. But in a way - it really doesn’t matter exactly how their projects turn out in a commerical way - what is really important is that they are “doing it”.

It is about living a purpose driven life that truly lights your passion. A friend of mine just sent me this gathering of inspirations taken from Oprah’s Newsletter. It is a truly wondering gathering of inspirational ideas of open to your life’s purpose in 2009.

Posted under A Purpose Driven Life, New Year's Resolutions, Opening to your Life's Purpose, Oprah's Newsletter

Over my morning coffee watching the Today Show - the nation heard that the millions of dollars that the Bush Administration has spent on teaching abstinence has resulted in no less abstinence among our nation’s teens - but a higher teen pregnancy rate! Apparently the kids who took a vow of virginity - still ended up having sex - but were less prepared and were more likely to get pregnant. Little surprise here - we are all sexual beings. And it is time that we all accepted that fact and gave kids solid information on STD’s and pregnancy prevention.

Parents can want what they want - but in the end - Kids are on their own. Nothing less than giving them complete information is acceptable. And we could be teaching kids about the different ways that they can access sexual pleasure - instead of simply saying “Raise your right hand and repeat after me!!”

Last year I went to a professional conference on human sexuality…and there I met the extraordinary Betty Dodson.

Betty Dodson is now eighty years old and she is still rocking…my Mother who is eighty one years old says that she hates the word “still”. So Betty…forgive me….

Betty became famous for teaching women how to self pleasure…or the more common word…masturbate. She has taught thousands of women about their orgasm…and how to find it!

Masturbation remains controversial….remember that just talking about masturbation cost Dr. Jocelyn Elders her job! But perhaps Jocelyn Elders was really onto something. Dr. Elders recognized that kids were sexual beings - and she was wanting to offer up a more viable solution than abstinence!

Sexual pleasure is controversial - but it is becoming less so. Betty Dodson is now seen as main stream in the Sex Education world..something that I just love…considering that just writing the word masturbation in my blog is making ME uncomfortable!

Maybe I should type the word 100 times so that I get over it!

Sex is a part of fertility….I know that this may seem obvious…but to some it is not….teaching kids the facts about sexuality - will not only prevent unwanted pregnancies but teaching kids safer sex including masturbation protects our fertility by helping us to avoid infertility caused by Sexual Transmitted Diseases….

We need to start giving our kids information early about having a loving and open relationship with their own own bodies. If we can teach them this, we are supporting them in being healthy as human beings…and later in their relationships to another….and the creation of a child when the time feels right.

Posted under Abstinence Only Sex Education Programs, Betty Dodson, Fertility, Fertility Education, Infertility, Jocelyn Elders, Sex Education, Teen Pregnancy Rate, sexual health, sexuality

It’s an amazing fact of biology - when it comes to human reproduction and medical science - the physicians and scientists have been able to help couples conceive children through incredible break throughs in reproductive medicine - but the one thing that they havenot been able to crack is how to “fix” an egg that is not working properly. And up until now, it has often been an educated guessing game in trying to determine a healthy egg from one that is not viable. It is amazing to me, in all of these years of watching the science and the medicine of reproductiveve medicine change and grow over twenty years - that they have been able to take one single sperm and make a baby - but still - we cannot help a woman with eggs that are not healthy - become healthy enough to make a baby.

In fact, outside of checking ovarian reserve - and through various genetic tests - we have been very limited in our ability to even tell if an egg is normal or not. This lack of ability to truly look inside a seemingly normal egg and know if it is a viable egg has held back the science of egg freezing and up until now - has made egg freezing a hit and miss game for women. Because even though they were freezing eggs…how did they know that they were freezing normal eggs that would actually have the potential to make a baby? The truth is…they didn’t. And that is why many commercial egg freezing banks insisted that women freeze as many as twenty eggs - because they didn’t know what kind of eggs that they were freezing! The eggs could be normal - or not. They had no way of knowing.

Medical breakthroughs that can change the face of reproductive medicine do not come every day. Often there is talk of a promise of a new technology - or a new possibility. But it has been a while since we have really had a break through in reproductive medicine - until now.

I am talking about a brand new technology patent pending process called Egg Competency Testing (ECT), when coupled with ultra-rapid egg freezing technology known as vitrification (a protocol that minimizes egg damage,), actually delivers on reproductive medicine’s promise to liberate women from the tyranny of the biological clock.

The day of true reproductive freedom for women has arrived. A new scientific study confirms the efficacy of a revolutionary egg selection and freezing process that, at long last, offers women a viable and reliable fertility preservation option.

Developed and clinically tested by the scientists at ReproCure, a vanguard genetics products company, this process increases the live births derived from a cryopreserved egg almost seven-fold over the field’s current standard. In simple terms, it means that for the first time, women in their prime childbearing years can freeze and bank their own eggs for future use, relatively confident that they will have a 26%-to-27% chance of a having a baby from each cryopreserved genetically selected oocyte. Significantly, these odds are better than those with conventional IVF at its best.

The stunning results of a rigorous multi-year ReproCure-funded study are published in the current issue of the prestigious journal Reproductive Bio Medicine Online.

“Everything we’veheard before about egg freezing needs to be put away,” said Dr. Geoffrey Sher, Executive Medical Director of ReproCure and the Sher Institutes for Reproductive Medicine (SIRM) a world-renowned trailblazer in the field of reproductive medicine for more than three decades.

“I would heartily agree with medical governing agencies that in the past have strongly advised against the use of egg freezing and banking. Up until now, existing technology only offered a 1%-to-4% baby rate per frozen egg….a false promise of success,” noted Dr. Sher. “But ECT and vitrification, dual processes that allow us to select only chromosomally normal eggs for safe cryobankingare paradigm shifters. They givewomen a realistic fertility preservation alternative they can count on.”

Normal Egg, Healthy Baby

In essence, Egg Competency Testing (ECT), focuses on a relatively new DNA test called Comparative Genomic Hybridization (CGH)to determine which eggs are chromosomally normal (euploid). It’s well established that, barring other compromising medical factors or male infertility, it is euploid eggs that are most likely to yield chromosomally sound embryos and they are the ones most likely to develop into healthy babies.

Indeed, ReproCure/SIRM investigators were able to illustrate that in the vast majority of cases, the transfer of up to two chromosomallynormal (competent) embryos to a receptive uterine environment produced a baby almost 70% of the time.

The ECT process involves handpicking chromosomally normal eggs for preservation. One of the most amazing parts of the research for me, and the most surprising is that researchers now know that most eggs, even in young healthy women, are chromosomally abnormal (aneuploid)!!  Making things even more complicated is that the incidence of aneupolidy is random.One month a woman opting for egg freezing may be stimulated to produce 12 eggs and none will be normal. The next month the same woman might produce six that are normal. The key is to a successful outcome is freezing only the euploid eggs. Without the scattershot approach of freezing every egg harvested – a minimum of 20 at most centers, ReproCure’s technique requires that only 4 or 5 normal eggs be frozen and banked.

The CGH Factor

CGH is a delicate and complex test that screens the full complement of chromosomes in each egg. ReproCure/SIRM’s dedicated team has an expertise and experience in egg/embryo CGH that is unmatched by any other center in the world, giving it an unbeatable track record in identifying chromosomally normal eggs. Only these are selected for vitrification (ultra-rapid freezing) and banking.

Once frozen, these eggs are stored until the time the woman chooses to create her family.

Until now, family building has been severely constrained by simple biology. If a woman wanted her own biogenetic children, she was under the gun to procreate before her eggs were too old and chromosomally abnormal to generate offspring. That ratchets up the pressure on everything from education to economics and romance. Women who haven’t found the right mate by 35 or who can’t afford to leave the workplace find themselves penalized by nature. For most, a genetically related child is not possible. If they want to experience pregnancy, the only option is egg donation.

ECT and vitrification does an end-run around the biological clock. It affords a woman the luxury of time precisely because she’s stored her own eggs while in her reproductive prime. Those oocytes, when properly warmed, fertilized and transferred are as likely to able to yield offspring in five, 10 or even 20 years as they are today. ECT liberates a woman to achieve emotional, psychological and financial maturity secure in the knowledge that she can have children of her own.

I think that the day is finally coming that instead of young women on college campus’s being bombarded with solicitations to donate their eggs to women who have missed their biological opportunity to use their own eggs - that young women will instead be banking their own future. Freezing their own eggs, with a new level of confidence in what medical science can offer them - so when they are ready in all of the ways that they want to be ready to have children - there own eggs will be waiting. Now that is breaking through the biological glass ceiling. And that day - it seems has come.

Posted under Biological Clock, CGH, Comparative Genomic Hybridization, Egg Banking, Egg Donation, Egg Freezing, Embryo Competency Testing, Fertility, Fertility Preservation, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, The Sher Institute, egg donors, eggs, embryos

So…maybe you have not heard but Oprah has gained forty pounds. She appears on the cover of her magazine - her thinner self looking at her fatter self. It is kind of like Oprah’s walk of shame. My first reaction as someone who has dealt with weight issues my entire life was relief. Okay - if Oprah can’t do it - how could I? After all, who has the resources to put towards this the way Oprah has? She has the best of the best. Oprah has Dr. Oz! She has trainers and personal chefs! She lives in beautiful places where no doubt she can take long walks. She probably has beautiful places to meditate!  Let’s face it - Oprah has money to throw at this problem - way more than the usual fatty.  Way more than…well me!!! And I was struggling too. I had recently lost forty pounds - and I too was having issues in keeping to the plan. So, it was also rather comforting to know that I was not weak  - that this is hard.

But I also wonder about the premise - that fat is bad.  Leonard Nimoy of Spock Fame is also a photographer who made news this time last year when he photographed FAT women! And not just fat women….but fat naked women!!!! Oh My!!! Can you imagine that? He had the nerve to do something as controversial as see women who were fat as beautiful? Through Leonard Nimoy’s lens….you see beautiful…sexy….women of size…dancing! Smiling into the camera…almost daring us to truly see them! They seem to be saying to us….that they exist…that they are not invisible…and more than that…that they feel beautiful….and what is more…they are.

It made me wonder about Oprah’s walk of shame. Did she really need to feel shameful about her body size? Did I?

So much of how we feel as sexual beings does not come from the inside…we are so badly influenced by the media of our times…that we often do not see what is before our eyes….in “The Full Body Project”….Mr. Nimoy challenges us to do just that…simply see…simply feel…and I challenge you not to see beauty and wanton sexuality in these images….

When was the last time you felt sexy? I mean really sexy? It’s not just weight that can bring us down….it also can be life struggles.

One of the hardest consequences of trying to conceive…and having our efforts not work… is what it does to your own sense of femaleness or maleness.

I am not just talking about the general depression that can come from dealing with a chronic illness like unresolved infertility. But rather, about what the inability to fulfill your sexual role in reproduction can do to your feelings of personal beauty and your own body image. Not to be ignored are the very real body changes that can come from hormone therapy and surgery to repair or explore.

When I was in treatment, I put on twenty pounds in a year of intensive hormone therapy. I did a cycle of fertility drugs…every other month for one year. With each cycle, my body reacted strongly. My breasts would enlarge (I had to have bras for alternate months), my stomach would swell as my ovaries did overtime, and I would gain as much as ten pounds at the peak of each cycle.

I clearly remember one day, trying to look pretty, going into my doctor’s office with my husband for an insemination. My doctor looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back. And then she said to me, “Gee, Pam, you sure look puffy.” Okay, I was already emotionally fragile and sensitive about my weight. But I was devastated. Not only was I infertile, but I was also “puffy”.

Often times, even our actual clinical diagnoses can actually alter how we feel about our bodies. My diagnosis, “hostile cervical mucus”, doesn’t do much for making a woman feel very sexy. Sometimes, when my husband and I made love, I used to have to consciously erase the picture in my mind of his healthy and virile sperm being knocked unconscious by my inhospitable and rather nasty cervical mucus. My mental imagery probably wasn’t helped by viewing his motile sperm before a post coital test and then after. As the doctor put it as she looked up from the microscope, “it looks like Bunker Hill”.

I was able to combat these negative mental images about my body by consciously telling myself in a firm voice to cut it out! That my cervical mucus was not representative of myself as a woman. But it took some time.

Several years later, when I went for my second IVF cycle, my doctor found my left tube was now adhered to some other internal organs with scar tissue. My tubes, that were once perfect and a source of pride for this infertile person, who was trying not to feel defective as a woman, were no longer perfect.

The feelings that accompanied this news were not just upsetting for what they meant to the outcome of the cycle, but it was upsetting again to my self-image.

Now, not only did I have “funky mucus”, but my left tube had decided to redecorate! Still groggy from the effects of the anaesthesia, I remember feeling ugly. In retrospect, this sounds silly. Obviously, no one but my doctor saw this less than perfect tube, and even in the best of conditions, my left tube held no physical beauty.

It is actually a little embarrassing talking about these feelings. They sound ridiculous and self indulgent on paper. But if I have learned anything about my experience with infertility, it is that there is very little I have felt, that someone else hasn’t also felt or isn’t presently feeling.

The feelings I had, before I found out that I had Hostile Mucus… of a free flowing sexuality were over. They were taken with my diagnosis. And it took years to get it back….

I want to say to you, that you are not your diagnosis nor your treatment. You are a sexy man whether you have sperm in your testicles or not. You are a beautiful woman whether your eggs are in low reserve or your tubes are closed (yes, even if your mucus is a little unfriendly!) We have to stop punishing ourselves with ugly mental images of our bodies. And you are beautiful even if think you are too fat or too thin.

I am not a therapist. But I have felt the pain and have tried to deal with it on my own terms. My terms were to stop the negative images and replace them with positive images. Perhaps we should invite Oprah, and we should all be like the women in “The Full Body Project” and dance naked!!! For the joy in ourselves…comes from a place deep inside of us….it is there….just look at their faces. None of us are broken.

Until Tomorrow,
Pamela

Posted under "Full Body Project", Body Image, Dr. Oz, Infertility, Leonard Nimoy, Oprah, Oprah's weight gain, Self Image, Weight Gain, sexual dyfunction, sexual health, sexuality

There seems to be a feeling among people who are going through infertility that everybody else got the last miracle. I can’t begin to count the number of times I have had “success story”conversations with friends and acquaintances. They go something that like this, “Did you hear? Rebecca who is 93 and in menopause? Yes, the Rebecca whose husband has no sperm…..Well, she conceived all by herself last month after completing seven IVF attempts.”
The conversation always ends with someone saying “Oh great, she got the last miracle”. It sometimes seems that instead of feeling good for the other guy, we count their good fortune as an indicator of doom for ourselves. If it happened to them, it can’t possibly happen to me.

I have pretended that I am above such base feelings. But I, too, have felt that sinking feeling that the other guy won that round. I remember when I was trying to conceive my second son…I felt that since I had already been successful in my attempts to conceive Tyler through IVF…that I was somehow competing with my own good fortune.

Sometimes it felt to me as though I had the ultimate chutzpah… “Hey God! Remember me? Miracle 30,278 on October 18, 1988? Yeah,that’s me. Well, can I have another one?”

My husband said to me…during that time…that we were like the woman who is working by the ocean with her son and a great wave sweeps her son away. She pleads with God, telling Him that she is a good woman who has always done her best, prayed and done good works. How could God do this to her? After much pleading, a great wave sweeps back and deposits her son back in front of her. The woman looks up at the sky and grumbles “He had a hat.”

When I did my second IVF attempt to try and have a second child… I was torn between knowing deep in my heart that it could really work, and knowing deep in my heart that it could never happen again. I had forgotten how difficult the entire process was; how badly the drugs could make you feel, the intensity of emotions, and how frightening it could feel to climb onto an operating table of your own feel will.

After all, this was “voluntary.” When, the pregnancy results came back negative, I was both surprised and not surprised at all. But I just knew I had to continue if I was going to give this a fair shake.

I was very lucky to have been able to produce enough eggs to create embryos for an additional cryopreservation cycle.

I must admit that it was the knowledge of this additional chance at getting pregnant that kept me sane. I would not have to go through the entire process again. This time there would be no injections and drug induced mood swings. I came in for four or five blood tests and scans to monitor my natural cycle, and when my body showed it was ready to ovulate naturally, the embryos were put inside me.

I remember thinking that this could not possibly work. First of all, there was not enough suffering involved. It was simply too easy.

If you have gone through an IVF attempt, you can understand what I mean. The only thing that was the same, was the waiting time.

The waiting was filled with exactly the same anxiety, fantasies (both positive and negative), and premature grieving.

I spent the day of the pregnancy test working busily on an upcoming Fertility Symposium. Back in those days…I was a volunteer…and a full time grade school teacher.

I took the day off from teaching because I was frightened of killing some poor unsuspecting kindergartner. When the call came, bearing a positive pregnancy test, the only thought that kept going through my head, was I had thought I had used up all my miracles.

I guess God had not been counting. At the time, I wasn’t sure if I should share my good news with my infertility comrades…because it is often hard to hear of another’s success…

I could almost hear the “Oh great, she got the last miracle” line. But…I remember at the time…when I shared my experiences with my infertility buddies…that I did so that knowing it can happen, if not the first time maybe the next, and maybe…if I shared…it might give someone else hope.

I really believe my success in family building was not an indicator of someone else’s failure, but of their possible future resolution.

I also believe that everybody has their own personal journey, their own medical profiles and personal beliefs that will guide their own miracle of resolution.

Miracles can come in many packages, we just have to be ready to open them. My miracle belonged to me, and in no way replaces yours. I too can be a slow learner - but God has shown me that there are no last miracles.

Posted under Fertility, Infertility, adoption

Recently I was looking through a book of bible stories, when I came across the story of Hannah, and I realized I was reading a story about infertility. The story of Hannah is from the book of Samuel. Not only was she childless for many years, but she was taunted by her more fertile co-wife Peninnah. Her husband tried to comfort her, as husbands today try to comfort their wives during infertility, and asked Hannah, “Why are you crying and why aren’t you eating? Am I not more devoted to you than ten sons?” But Hannah could find no solace.

Hannah prayed her heart. She cried out before the holy one, “of all the hosts and hosts that Thou hast created in your world, is it so hard in your eyes to give me one son?” A parable was offered in the text: “To what is this matter like? To a king who made a feast for his servants when a poor man came and stood by the door and said to him, give me a bite, and no one took any notice of him, so he forced his way into the presence of the king and said to him, Your Majesty, out of all the feast which thou hast made, is it so hard in thine eyes to give me one bite?” Shortly afterward, remembers Hannah and they conceive a child, a baby boy they called Samuel.

I continued to look through my book of bible stories, and found several dealing with the infertile. In the story of Jacob and Rachel, Rachel was unable to conceive a child so she tells Jacob “Here, take my maid Bilhah. Consort with her, that she may bear on my knees and that through her I too may have children. When Bilhah gave birth, Rachel said, “God has vindicated me, indeed he has heeded my plea and given me a son.” Today, we call this traditional surrogacy.

Isaac and Rebecca also had some difficulties. In the language of the Torah, it appears they had a male factor problem. Isaac pleaded with the Lord in the presence of his wife rather than for his wife, and then God answered him, not his wife. Rebecca gave birth to twins. Isaac was sixty years old when his wife gave birth, and he had no other children.

And Samson’s mother was childless when an angel of God appeared to her and told her she would conceive. You remember what a mighty warrior Samson was, until they cut his hair.

I also found a reference for adoption in the bible. Michal, the daughter of Saul could have no children. Michal had a married sister. The bible tells of the five sons born to her sister but raised by Michal and called by her name. This scripture teaches that anyone who raises a child in their home considers him as if he gave birth to him.

In the story of Abraham and Sarah, infertility was a very real issue. Sarah finally conceives when she is ninety years old. I believe that Sarah may have been the first post-menopausal women to give birth! Hello media! What was old is new again! And I promised my husband I wouldn’t go into my theories on the Virgin Mary and the conception of Jesus.

So here I am with my mind filled with stories about infertility! What about fairy tales? Yes, there too. Tom Thumb was so wanted by his parents that they wished if they could only have a child, any child, they wouldn’t care if it was as big as their thumb! And in the story of sleeping beauty, the King and Queen were childless for many years, when, with great joy, a daughter was born to them. They had a great party but forgot to invite one of the fairies. Then there is the story Rapunzel of the long golden hair. Her mother thought she would lose the baby if she did not have rhubarb leaves to eat. The husband went into the witch’s garden to get the leaves. We all know how that story ends. And then I was forced into watching a old video with my son and his friends last summer of “The Flintstones”, and there was Barney and Betty Rubble worrying about their home study so they could adopt Bam-Bam.

I am sure that if I really made a study of this, I would find stories of infertility and long awaited children in every culture and religion. From the wives tales to the children’s stories, having a child seems to be one of the central themes of humankind. The reason is obvious, without children we do not continue.

So many of you that are reading this blog are here looking for answers. You are on the internet gathering information, networking about programs, doctors, and adoption resources. You are also praying for a miracle, just like our biblical counterparts, but you may turn to medicine to help bring about that miracle. You may find that your miracle lies at the end of an adoption journey or alternative family building options.

We are the people creating today’s stories and today’s resolutions for ourselves….as those that have come before you.

Keeping you in my heart….

Until Tomorrow,
Pamela

Posted under Fertility, adoption, infertility in the bible

As reported by 1010 Wins - NY State Officials will now allow same sex couples to list both of their names on their children’s birth certificates.  Husbands have their names automatically added to their child’s birth certificates - but same sex couples have had to go through incredible hurdles to get both names listed on the birth certificate.  This change occurred after a lesbian couple filed suit

Carolyn Trzeciak and Nina Sheldon Trzeciak of Ulster County, who got married in Canada in 2006, sued last month. Nina Sheldon Trzeciak is carrying their first child, conceived through in vitro fertilization.

As reported by 1010 Wins - “The couple’s legal complaint argued that both should be designated as parents under Paterson’s directive. The governor told state agencies to make sure policies and regulations treated married same-sex and male-female couples equally, saying a recent court ruling suggested they would otherwise risk discrimination claims.

Gay couples may be able to secure a second parent’s rights through adoption. But having their names on a child’s birth certificate immediately gives both spouses such rights as nursery visits and information on the child’s medical condition, the lawsuit said.

“That gives them equal treatment,” said Trzeciak’s and Sheldon Trzeciak’s lawyer, Melissa B. Brisman of Park Ridge, N.J.”

Massachusetts is now the only U.S. state that allows gay marriages with the passage of Prop 8 in California.  There are other states that let same-sex couples enter into civil unions offering some of marriage’s legal advantages. But these civil unions are not equal to marriages.

“Many of the States that allow gay marriage or civil unions have made provisions for birth certificates to list both partners’ names”, said Susan Sommer, senior counsel for the gay rights advocacy group Lambda Legal. It was not involved in the Trzeciak case.’

Lambda Legal still urges couples to cement both parents’ rights through an adoption or other court order, but Sommer said getting the names of both parents on the birth certificate is a great help to the children.”

This is not only an important step in recognizing the rights of Same Sex Couples it is an important step in recognizing the rights of the children of Same Sex couples. All children have the right to have both of their parents listed on their birth certificate.

Posted under Carolyn Trzeciak and Nina Sheldon Trzeciak, Children of Lesbians and Gays, Gay Marriage, LGBT Family Building, Lambda Legal, Melissa Brisman, Prop 8, Same Sex Couples Birth Certificates, Susan Sommer