I spend a great deal of time in the car driving.  And I have taken to listening to audio books  – recently I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage”. I bought this book for a few reasons – I loved “Eat, Pray, Love” – and as a woman who has been married since I am 20 years old and will turn 50  next December – I have been married a very long time.  And I will have you know – that even after 29 some odd years of marriage – I am still a skeptic about marriage.  You know – just because you have done something well enough to keep it together for a life time doesn’t mean that you are not a skeptic!

Perhaps what Elizabeth and I share is a skeptic’s view on what a marriage should look like.  And everyone has their own idea of that – for me – a woman who married at a  very young age  and who deeply loves her husband and her family – the meaning and contours of my marriage is often softly shifting over time.  It is that willingness to bend with the years and what life brings to us – that has kept us out of divorce court.  That and a deep willingness to forgive.

What is the secret to a long term marriage you might ask? For me it has been about a man who has been willing to love me while I changed, and morphed over and over again.  But this entry really isn’t about marriage – it is really about something else that Elizabeth Gilbert a woman who is childless by choice, had to say about being an Aunt – and the world of childless women who were either childless by choice, infertility, the lack of men or marriage.  What she had to say caught my attention – and my heart and I wanted to bring it here – to my blog to give you a taste. And to remind us all of the incredible role that childless women play in the lives of children, families, and society at large.

From “Committed”:

“Childless women — let’s call them the “Auntie Brigade” — have never been very well honored by history, I’m afraid. They are called selfish, frigid, pathetic. Here’s one particularly nasty bit of conventional wisdom circulating out there about childless women that I need to dispel here, and that is this: that women who have no children may lead liberated and happy and wealthy lives when they are young, but they will ultimately regret that choice when they reach old age, for they shall all die alone and depressed and full of bitterness. Perhaps you’ve heard this old chestnut? Just to set the record straight: There is zero sociological evidence to back this up. In fact, recent studies of American nursing homes comparing happiness levels of elderly childless women against happiness levels of women who did have children show no pattern of special misery or joy in one group or the other. But here’s what the researchers did discover makes elderly women miserable across the board: poverty and poor health. Whether you have children or not, then, the prescription seems clear: Save your money, floss your teeth, wear your seatbelt, and keep fit — and you’ll be a perfectly happy old bird someday.

Just a little free advice there, from your Auntie Liz.

In leaving no descendents, however, childless aunts do tend to vanish from memory after a mere generation, quickly forgotten, their lives as transitory as butterflies. But they are vital as they live, and they can even be heroic. Even in my own family’s recent history, there are stories on both sides of truly magnificent aunties who stepped in and saved the day during emergencies. Often able to accrue education and resources precisely because they were childless, these women had enough spare income and compassion to pay for lifesaving operations, or to rescue the family farm, or to take in a child whose mother had fallen gravely ill. I have a friend who calls these sorts of child-rescuing aunties “sparents”— “spare parents” — and the world is filled with them.

Even within my own community, I can see where I have been vital sometimes as a member of the Auntie Brigade. My job is not merely to spoil and indulge my niece and nephew (though I do take that assignment to heart) but also to be a roving auntie to the world — an ambassador auntie — who is on hand wherever help is needed, in anybody’s family whatsoever. There are people I’ve been able to help, sometimes fully supporting them for years, because I am not obliged, as a mother would be obliged, to put all my energies and resources into the full-time rearing of a child. There are a whole bunch of Little League uniforms and orthodontist’s bills and college educations that I will never have to pay for, thereby freeing up resources to spread more widely across the community. In this way, I, too, foster life. There are many, many ways to foster life. And believe me, every single one of them is essential.

Jane Austen once wrote to a relative whose first nephew had just been born: “I have always maintained the importance of Aunts as much as possible. Now that you have become an Aunt, you are a person of some consequence.” Jane knew of which she spoke. She herself was a childless auntie, cherished by her nieces and nephews as a marvelous confidante, and remembered always for her “peals of laughter.”

Speaking of writers: From an admittedly biased perspective, I feel the need to mention here that Leo Tolstoy and Truman Capote and all the Brontë sisters were raised by their childless aunts after their real mothers had either died or abandoned them. Tolstoy claimed that his Aunt Toinette was the greatest influence of his life, as she taught him “the moral joy of love.” The historian Edward Gibbon, having been orphaned young, was raised by his beloved and childless Aunt Kitty. John Lennon was raised by his Aunt Mimi, who convinced the boy that he would be an important artist someday. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s loyal Aunt Annabel offered to pay for his college education. Frank Lloyd Wright’s first building was commissioned by his Aunts Jane and Nell — two lovely old maids who ran a boarding school in Spring Green, Wisconsin. Coco Chanel, orphaned as a child, was raised by her Aunt Gabrielle, who taught her how to sew — a useful skill for the girl, I think we would all agree. Virginia Woolf was deeply influenced by her Aunt Caroline, a Quaker spinster who devoted her life to charitable works, who heard voices and spoke to spirits, and who seemed, as Woolf recalled years later, “a kind of modern prophetess.”

Remember that critical moment in literary history when Marcel Prouts bites into his famous madeleine cookie, thereby becoming so overwhelmed by nostalgia that he has no choice but to sit down and write the multivolume epic Remembrance of Things Past? That entire tsunami of eloquent nostalgia was set off by the specific memory of Marcel’s beloved Aunt Leonie, who, every Sunday after church, used to share her madeleines with the boy when he was a child. And have you ever wondered what Peter Pan really looked like? His creator, J.M. Barrie, answered that question for us back in 1911. For Barrie, Peter Pan’s image and his essence and his marvelous spirit of felicity can be found all over the world, hazily reflected “in the faces of many women who have no children.”

That is the Auntie Brigade.”

I can’t tell you how that passage moved me. You know – we forget how important woman are in our society – in all of the different roles that we can hold.  And the role and the importance of an  “Aunt” is incredibly under acknowledged.  It’s not just about what she can give to society, but what I love about Elizabeth Gilbert is that she also talks about the life that being a childless woman can offer to herself.  Now this may not ring with happiness for you if you are dealing with involuntary  childlessness – and if you are in the midst of unbearable pain of giving up a dream that you are not ready to give up.

It’s important to understand that Elizabeth does not want any children. But how often do we get to hear a woman talk about even that?

But still it worried me about posting this – because frankly I wasn’t planning on putting on having to pull up my big white panties for the week if I triggered some of my readers who are in the midst of terrible grieving about their childlessness and would not be ready to hear about how childless Aunts have helped  support countless communities and families – as well as having fabulous lives without kids.

But I wanted to remind all of us – of this incredible contribution that these women make – because until I heard Elizabeth Gilbert read those words – I hadn’t thought about The Auntie Brigade at all.  Not really. And you know how it is – once you think about something in a new way – you find new resources.  Did you know that there was a really cool website for women who are Aunts, Great Aunts, God Mothers, or any woman that simply loves kids? It’s called Savvy Auntie! I love that there is not a website community that is celebrating these women.  Are you an Auntie? Do you love an Auntie? Send them the link!

Sometimes I wonder if I would have made a better Auntie than a Mom.  I would enjoy nothing more than being my nephews or even my own kid’s bigger than life “Auntie Mame”.  That woman who has enough money because it is not being spent on braces, summer camp, and college to take her beloved nephews to the theater or Europe, instead of worrying about the SAT Tutor and homework.  For me – I will have to wait until I am a Grandma to be Auntie Mame – but that is another blog for another day.  Today – we are talking about women who love, mother and support not only families, but entire communities without giving birth in the traditional way.

Great Aunt Resources:

Savvy Auntie:  The First Website for Cool Aunts, Great Aunts, God Mothers, and All Women Who Love Kids!

The Complete Book of Aunts By Rupert Christiansen

Click here to buy
Committed: A Skeptic Makes
Peace with Marriage
from Amazon

Posted under "Committed", Elizabeth Gilbert, The Complete Book of Aunts", infertiity

In case you haven’t heard – I joined Jenny Craig last Sunday.  I am eating out of little boxes – and to be honest – I am hungry all the time.  Needing to lose weight is hard – and for me has been a life long struggle.

The issue of weight and infertility keeps coming up.  Apparently there are infertility doctors who will not treat women who wear plus sizes. I simply cannot imagine what it would be like to step into an IVF clinic and be told that you will not be treated because you are too fat.  Dr. Dave Kreiner and I were talking about this the other day – and I have written about this already this month – but I am so angry over it – that I need to talk about it some more.

There we were over at East Coast Fertility offices in Brooklyn – when Dr. Kreiner stopped by my desk to me about a patient that had been refused care because of her body weight.  Not only did she have to deal with her infertility – she had been embarrassed in front of her husband by this other doctor – and told that she would need to come back after losing forty pounds.  Dr. Kreiner felt so sad for her – we all felt her embarrassment, anger and desperation.  And this is just not happening in Brooklyn – the land of the knish and Junior’s Cheesecake – this refusal to treat the plus size woman is apparently something that is happening at IVF Centers around the country.

Perhaps you didn’t know that women are being turned away from IVF centers not only because of their FSH, or age – but also their weight?  And apparently there are reproductive specialists who are notorious for refusing treatment to women until they lose weight. Both Dr. Kreiner and I  think that this is outrageous – and I encourage you to read his blog “Infertility and Overweight Women”, over at The Fertility Doc.

Can you imagine what that might feel like to women who desperately want a baby and whose self image over their infertility is already in the trash can – to be told that they can’t even try because they are too fat? Don’t you think if being thinner was something that they could just do,  they would do it? Just like if they could snap their fingers and make themselves magically pregnant?  All of this is so emotionally loaded for women and indelibly tied together – our weight, our self image, our fertility and it’s impact on our sexuality. As a woman who has dedicated so much of my adult life to conquering shame around all of these issues – I can just feel the shame and embarrassment rising like a bad hot flash for an over weight woman infertile woman sitting with her partner being refused treatment because of her weight.  And let’s not even start on the various health conditions that cause infertility and weight issues such as PCOS.

I love the idea of being healthy in the skin you are in.  To me – that is really where it is at. The Fertility Authority introduced me to a great organization Health at Every Size. Check it out – I loved it.  And consider taking the pledge.  I did.  And if a doctor tells you that you are too fat to be a mother – get a second opinion!

Posted under Dave Kreiner, Diet and Fertility, Dr. Dave Kreiner, Fat, Fertility

Menstruation is on my mind – how could it not be? I am a peri-menopausal woman!  What that means is that I am waiting for the 12 month space between my last period and no period at all.  When that happens I will be post menopause.  It is an incredibly uncomfortable place to be in both physically and emotionally.  The worst part of it is simply not knowing if I am bitchy and want chocolate because I am PMS or if I am just bitchy and want chocolate!

I am so used to have my menstrual cycle being the reason for so much of my physical and emotional landscape. What happens when it vanishes? Will I still have an internal barometer? I am sure that I will – I just don’t know it yet – and it probably won’t be tied to the calendar and the moon – and I think that I am going to miss that.

When I was going through my infertility – I hated my period. It was a marker of failure. The blood meant death to me.  Another chance at life lost.  It was the signal of failure.

Now it is a sign of youth to me.  It is a connection to mother earth in the most spiritual of way – and my period is so uniquely female and familiar to me.  How my breasts feel before, during and after – is something that I could count on.  I am surprisingly unhappy about my “Auntie Flow” deciding that it is time to move out.

How women feel about our menstruation is both cultural and deeply personal.  Recently, I stumbled upon a new book called “Flow: A Cultural Story of Menstruation” By Elissa Stein and Susan Kim, when I was out meeting with publishers to sell my upcoming book SHAMELESS.  “Flow” is published by Harlequin’s new non fiction department with whom I was meeting with. When we left – my agent and editorial consultant – we commented over the galley of the book. “Flow”? Really? Will women want to read a book about menstruation? We weren’t sure – but we underestimated the appeal of talking about menstruation! Actually we really weren’t thinking straight in that moment.  Women talk about their periods all the time! And “Flow” made it to “The View”!  Think about it! If you are female or listen to females talk – what do we talk about? For me and my girlfriends – we mostly chat about  food, dieting, money, kids, sex, lovers, and fighting with  husbands – and oh yes! We talk endlessly about our hormones and our periods!  It is up in the top ten of female conversations.  We talk about “getting it” and “not getting it” or “Maybe I am getting it” a lot. We blame our periods for fights with our co-workers, family members, our food issues and our sex issues. Why wouldn’t we want a book about it?

Menstruation is actually vital to our overall health as women.  The reason that women talk about our periods coming and going so much is that menstrual heath can be vital to our well bearing.  As women – we just know that. It is just something that I seemed to have forgotten about between the years of infertility and peri-menopause – because for me – my periods were up until recently quite regular and unremarkable. But that is not the way menstruation is for every women.

Recently, I have gotten to know a relatively new organization dedicated to menstrual health!

Rachel’s Well is an innovative, multi-disciplinary non-profit organization committed to increasing women’s health research and education, particularly around the issues of menstrual health and Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI). If you have never heard of them – let me introduce you!

I think that they say it best -

“Menstruation is a unique indicator of a woman’s overall emotional and physical well-being. Rachel’s Well seeks to identify critical issues linked to the menstrual cycle as well as address misconceptions related to POI. Signaled by irregular menstrual cycles, the term POI describes a decline in the normal functioning of the ovaries in women under age 40. POI is associated with serious, long-term health concerns, like osteoporosis, health disease, emotional issues, and infertility.

Our Strategy:

Rachel’s Well supports a collaborative approach to promoting women’s health by increasing the recognition of menstrual health. We work together with patients, clinicians, researchers, academic institutions, professional associations, non-profit organizations, government agencies, and industry to formulate an effective multi-disciplinary team.

Our Plans:

We seek out the majority of our funding from government and private foundation grants to support specific research and education initiatives. Our key projects for 2010 include:

*Convening a meeting of experts and other interested parties to discuss gaps in current research related to the menstrual cycle and POI

*Designing patient registries for POI and Fragile X-Associated POI

*Analyzing existing data from the various academic programs and clinical centers in order to gain better insight into the specific needs of POI patients

*Investigating decision-making processes regarding family building among women with diminishing ovarian function and establishing “best practices” for effectively educating these women about their options

*Developing a health education program highlighting the cultural, emotional, and biological aspects of the menstrual cycle in order to increase agency and lower at-risk behaviors among teens

*Planning various evidence-based educational programs, including focusing on peer education, spirituality, and bone health”

Well – isn’t that cool.  I love that there is an organization looking out for our menstrual health – and I love that there are books talking about a women’s unique relationship with her menstruation. It is after all – a part of us – whether it is coming or going.

Good Menstrual Resources:

“The Secret Pleasures of Menopause” By Christiane Northrup

To Order “Flow” click here.

A Great Blog entry By Dr. Edward Ramirez on Menstruation

Posted under "Flow", "The View", Menstrual Health, Rachel's Well

Posted under Uncategorized

Did you know that March 8th was International Women’s Day? Did you know that according to Wikipedia that International’s Women’s Day is “s a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements.

Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother’s Day and St Valentine’s Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner”. Who knew? I didn’t.

But you learn everything in life on Facebook! And that is where i found out that I had indeed missed International Women’s Day.  I kind of felt a little bit better when I realized that I wrote about being a Fearless Woman yesterday.

Being fearless has been kind of a theme for me in the past few weeks ever since the “Fertility Authority” featured my blog and they described me by calling me “Fearless”.  It kind of made me smile because I had never thought of myself as fearless – to me I was perhaps shameless.  But fearless?

What I do know is that, like so many women around the world, I have had an incredible and varied life.  I live full out. I play full court – and I make no excuses for myself.  And for so many women, we live in a time where we can finally integrate our lives.  Now, once upon a time – I didn’t integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another….We are either “professional” or “homemakers” – we are either “Madonnas or Whores”.  But what if you were allowed as a woman to have a fully integrated life? What if you could have a professional life, and still have a family? What if being a successful lawyer didn’t mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under  your business suit – and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work? Could women truly have it all?  Isn’t this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now – and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn’t have to choose? That everything could happen in it’s own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Was this possible? Maybe not everywhere in the world right now perhaps – but I do believe that this possibility does exist right now in many places of the globe.

Think about it. Could we actually be mothers, Madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time? Would society know how to wrap their arms around that?  What is going on with women who are hooked up to machines in a study to look at their sexual response – and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman’s mind does not? What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibly broken in that.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman’s sexuality is still used to punish her.  And even today – it is. But like New Hampshire passing gay marriage – we are a country in transition. And I believe that we are closer than ever to supporting women living fully integrated lives.

Sociologists and sex perts are finally writing about the new integrated woman – and that’s a start. But who are the brave women out there who will do it and speak it?

Can you wear something sexy to work and still be taken seriously? For a good long while – before Katie Couric showed  her legs on The Today Show – the answer was no. But I have been watching those anchor women in the morning – and their sexuality has been starting to bloom – even as they have interviewed Presidents and talked about the issues that their kids were having in school. I love that.  They are all people – and they do not hide their sexuality – their  motherhood or their professional  smarts. They are clear that all of those pieces of themselves is a part of who they are as women.

And I have been as guilty of it as the next person. There was this one pharmacy rep that sent out this really sexy picture of herself in a Christmas outfit last year – and everyone was tearing her apart. How dare she? Who did she think she was? How could she show herself as sexy and playful? She was after all a “Professional”!!!! Oh well. Perhaps we were all a little jealous of her carefree, youthful  and yes – sexy spirit! What is it that gets us all fired up? Is it that we think that we are supposed to be this judgmental? Or were we simply happy to dismiss her as a slut? It was after all so much easier than seeing her as a full person.

I love that Oprah is getting on the band wagon. Several recent shows have explored a woman’s sexuality – and she has even taken sex toys to the stage. Oprah is saying that she cares about women being  integrated beings when she does these kinds of shows. And I love that.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. Recently one of the Miss America’s made big news when some topless photos showed up of her – you see – she was allowed to look sexy – to tantalize us in her bikini body – but not actually show us her breasts. Kind of interesting huh? In the end – The Donald realized how silly it all was – and the girl has her crown for a little while longer!

I love that we have a first lady who has the right to bare arms and those fabulous legs.  Our first lady – and frankly our President are clearly sexually integrated people. They are alive – and that aliveness permeates everything that they do. Mrs. Obama can be sexy and serious – and be a parent.  She is able to be a full woman – and I love that she is being a role model for other  women in this regard.

I have been talking a lot lately about how confused we are as a nation when it comes to our gender roles, our sexuality, and what is allow able and what is not.  We get glimpses of celebrities who are under the full view finder of the camera being sexual beings – and it freaks us out in the moment. Whether it is Brittany Spears forgetting her panties – or Paris  Hilton’s private sex tape (by the way I recently saw that in the Museum of Sex). But I am hoping that this too shall pass.

Look to France where a nude portrait of French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla Bruni will go under the hammer in New York next month, according to auctioneers Christie’s.

The 13 x 10 1/8 inch gelatin silver black and white photograph was taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world’s top fashion models, and is being sold by art collector Gert Elfering.

Carla Bruni who is now beloved by all – started her public life as a mistress, actress,  and as a model that sometimes posed nude. Yet she looked quite lovely when she met the Queen of England. Yes – my dearies – we can live in full color and have integrated lives. Nothing is stopping you but a little bit of fear – and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.

And it just one day past International Women’s Day!  Take my hand – the water is fine.

Posted under Egg Freezing, Facebook, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Preservation, Integrated Woman, International Women's Day, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, inspirational thoughts, sexual health, sexuality

I recently discovered Daphne Merkin after reading her cover story on depression in The New York Times, “A Journey Through Darkness” .  Daphne is a fearless writer who has written on many controversial topics in her own voice and through her own eyes.  It’s not an easy thing to do. Daphne puts it out there and invites controversy.  Bravo. I love fearless. And the fact is – women like Daphne give me the courage to do what I do – and live how I live.

After I read the piece in The Times online, I was motivated to find and read  other writings by Merkin.  And while these writings have been talked about for several years in the on line commentary that I recently found – they were all new to me.

First there was the piece that ran in The New Yorker on sensual spanking (“Unlikely Obsession”) which apparently raised a few eyebrows and no doubt a few skirts -  and then there was another controversial piece that ran in The New York Times called “Our Vaginas, Ourselves” - where Merkin talks about the new world of shall we call it ”The Cosmetic Vagina” and female self loathing.

Merkin talks about the world of Brazilian waxes, hymen reattachment, labia reshaping and shortening and what it says about how we view our female genitals. I celebrate the fact that she writes it all – through her eyes – and that the NY Times publishes it. But Merkin misses the mark when she says -

“Truth be told, I always considered myself lucky to have escaped coming of age at the height of the consciousness-raising era, when anatomical self-examination took on the aspect of a collective ritual. Those were the days when women felt obliged to convene in sisterly circles with mirrors and flashlights the better to study their bodies, themselves. Never having been one to enjoy group activities of any sort, the thought of becoming more closely acquainted with my private parts in a public setting seems potentially traumatizing rather than liberating or, God knows, celebratory”.

Actually – that is the problem. The problem is that most women do not know what female genitalia past the pubic mound looks like. And if we as women don’t know our bodies and have a healthy self image  how are we supposed to have sexual pleasure and a healthy relationship to our own bodies? It is through the not seeing and the not knowing where women often self destruct as sexual beings. Yeah – I know. If you read me on any regular basis – you have heard me rant about this before. And I probably will again.

Women don’t grow up like young boys stealing glances in the locker room to see what is going on with other same sex bodies.  We have no idea of the diversity of the “Vagina” and we can’t even agree on what to call female genitalia- a subject that gets most sexologists screaming that “the vagina is the birth canal” and not a good descriptor of a woman’s sex organs.

Perhaps if women could see more of other women’s inner sexual landscapes – if it was alright for women to look – we women would get it that each vulva is a unique work of art.  Instead – the only pictures of female genitals that most women see are the air brushed and clipped versions in the journals of Playboy.

Women don’t get to see images of real women.

For Merkin to celebrate the fact that she missed the age of the brave pioneering women who came together to explore the great unknown – mirror and flash light in hand – is truly a disservice to those that came before her – and for all of us today. The fact is that there are still rare opportunities – and few books outside of medical manuals that give women the opportunity to see the diversity of vulva’s celebrated. If they did – Dr. David Matlock’s practice of “Vaginal Rejuvenation” wouldn’t be so popular.

There is a part of me that hates myself for criticizing Merkin at all. Look – she is out there and she is at least sparking the conversation in very reputable publications about female sexuality in a way that is real and in the first person. That takes courage.  Trust me – I get it.  After all – I just sold my memoir “SHAMELESS” to Rodale Press tentatively set to published Winter 2011.  And I am sure that people who have plenty to say about my take on female sexuality when it is published as well!

You see – putting it out there is not always rewarded.  For Daphne’s fearlessness she gets to not only take it on the chin for her bravery by “sexual conservatives” but also by well known outspoken sex activists like Susie Bright and Dr. Betty Dobson for example in this excellent and  scathing commentary “Daphne Merkin Needs to get Spanked Again”. But it is the fact that I can take her on that is so wonderful! Daphne is a big girl – and she is putting it out there – I suspect she can take care of herself. And she is doing a service to all of us by taking this conversation whether you agree with her or not into publications like The New Yorker and The New York Times so that there is a public discourse on issues that are never talked about.

So – we don’t all agree. But at least we are starting to talk about sex in a new and open way.  Fearlessly and if I might add – shamelessly as well. 

Posted under Body Image, Female Self Image, Female Sexual Desire, Fertility, Self Image, Sex, Sex Education, Shameless, sexual health, sexuality

Recently I was looking through a book of bible stories, when I came across the story of Hannah, and I realized I was reading a story about infertility. The story of Hannah is from the book of Samuel. Not only was she childless for many years, but she was taunted by her more fertile co-wife Peninnah. Her husband tried to comfort her, as husbands today try to comfort their wives during infertility, and asked Hannah, “Why are you crying and why aren’t you eating? Am I not more devoted to you than ten sons?” But Hannah could find no solace.

Hannah prayed her heart. She cried out before the holy one, “of all the hosts and hosts that Thou hast created in your world, is it so hard in your eyes to give me one son?” A parable was offered in the text: “To what is this matter like? To a king who made a feast for his servants when a poor man came and stood by the door and said to him, give me a bite, and no one took any notice of him, so he forced his way into the presence of the king and said to him, Your Majesty, out of all the feast which thou hast made, is it so hard in thine eyes to give me one bite?” Shortly afterward, remembers Hannah and they conceive a child, a baby boy they called Samuel.

I continued to look through my book of bible stories, and found several dealing with the infertile. In the story of Jacob and Rachel, Rachel was unable to conceive a child so she tells Jacob “Here, take my maid Bilhah. Consort with her, that she may bear on my knees and that through her I too may have children. When Bilhah gave birth, Rachel said, “God has vindicated me, indeed he has heeded my plea and given me a son.” Today, we call this traditional surrogacy.

Isaac and Rebecca also had some difficulties. In the language of the Torah, it appears they had a male factor problem. Isaac pleaded with the Lord in the presence of his wife rather than for his wife, and then God answered him, not his wife. Rebecca gave birth to twins. Isaac was sixty years old when his wife gave birth, and he had no other children.

And Samson’s mother was childless when an angel of God appeared to her and told her she would conceive. You remember what a mighty warrior Samson was, until they cut his hair.

I also found a reference for adoption in the bible. Michal, the daughter of Saul could have no children. Michal had a married sister. The bible tells of the five sons born to her sister but raised by Michal and called by her name. This scripture teaches that anyone who raises a child in their home considers him as if he gave birth to him.

In the story of Abraham and Sarah, infertility was a very real issue. Sarah finally conceives when she is ninety years old. I believe that Sarah may have been the first post-menopausal women to give birth! Hello media! What was old is new again! And I promised my husband I wouldn’t go into my theories on the Virgin Mary and the conception of Jesus.

So here I am with my mind filled with stories about infertility! What about fairy tales? Yes, there too. Tom Thumb was so wanted by his parents that they wished if they could only have a child, any child, they wouldn’t care if it was as big as their thumb! And in the story of sleeping beauty, the King and Queen were childless for many years, when, with great joy, a daughter was born to them. They had a great party but forgot to invite one of the fairies. Then there is the story Rapunzel of the long golden hair. Her mother thought she would lose the baby if she did not have rhubarb leaves to eat. The husband went into the witch’s garden to get the leaves. We all know how that story ends. And then I was forced into watching a old video with my son and his friends last summer of “The Flintstones”, and there was Barney and Betty Rubble worrying about their home study so they could adopt Bam-Bam.

I am sure that if I really made a study of this, I would find stories of infertility and long awaited children in every culture and religion. From the wives tales to the children’s stories, having a child seems to be one of the central themes of humankind. The reason is obvious, without children we do not continue.

So many of you that are reading this blog are here looking for answers. You are on the internet gathering information, networking about programs, doctors, and adoption resources. You are also praying for a miracle, just like our biblical counterparts, but you may turn to medicine to help bring about that miracle. You may find that your miracle lies at the end of an adoption journey or alternative family building options.

We are the people creating today’s stories and today’s resolutions for ourselves….as those that have come before you.

Posted under adoption, infertility in the bible

“As your professional infertility consultants, we’ll provide you with a comprehensive and individualized plan to help you reach your goals of family-building. We will create for you a customized step-by-step action plan that addresses your unique needs and concerns. Want to know the best clinic for you? We’ve analyzed the clinical success rate data and we’ll show you what those stats really mean. Need help understanding your insurance? We can do that. Need to travel for cheaper treatment? We’ll walk you through it,” promises Best-Boss.

Posted under "IVF Companion", A T.I.M.E., Advocacy, Angie Best-Boss, Egg Freezing, Fertility, Fertility Authority, Fertility Blogs, Fertility Coach, Fertility Consultants, Fertility Education, Fertility Support, Fertility Ties, IVF, In Vitro Fertilization, Infertility, Infertility Consultants, My Fertility Plan, infertiity, sexuality

Full disclosure – I get many product samples and books in the mail to review.  Full disclosure – I don’t review many products or books. But I always tell people to send their loot along to me – because you never know! As  I was opening the box for my “IVF Companion” – my jaded mind was already talking to myself, saying things like “Really? We need to pay for a journal to keep our IVF journey together in one place? Isn’t that why we have left over fed-ex envelopes?”

But nothing about the IVF Companion is jaded – in fact it hit the mark.  I loved the jacket first of all – in it’s attractive soft linen tan hue. And the size of it  – it was big enough for me to write in easily. It looked like a big fat yoga journal – and simply had good karma written all over it. This product was designed with insight and love – I got it the minute I touched it.

The inside is all glossy and firm – and set up like a loose leaf notebook – divided up into sections such as Finances,  Clinical and Medical Contacts, Your Cycle,  Insurance Policy Information, and so much more. It is written and organized by Stephanie Fry – a former patient – who went through it all – and created this companion as a way of keeping herself sane, organized, in control of what she could be in control of – and as a way to occupy herself during the tough times of waiting (a very important thing!).  The IVF Companion is well done – and I would have liked one when I was going through IVF.  There is even a place for journaling.

I looked through the IVF Companion a few times – and decided that this had to be one expensive product, after all, it was so well done. So I jumped onto the website, where I learned that I could buy this wonderful kit for about $29.00 bucks to get started.  This is the kind of product that IVF Centers should be GIVING their patients.  But don’t hold you breath for that to happen – my suggestion is if you are doing IVF, that you buy yourself an IVF Companion to keep you company and organized – you will be glad you did.

And if you are an IVF Center – why don’t you call Stephanie Fry at IVF Companion? Perhaps she could give you deal if you buy bulk? This is the kind of gift to patients when they start treatment that could really make a difference to how your patient’s experience their treatment – and your center.

Posted under "IVF Companion"

Last year  my sister in law had surgery for cancer. The surgeons cut her from her chin to her arm pit. This was her second surgery.  My sister struggles with the after math of breast cancer.  There are so many kinds of personal courage. Watching her in a Japanese Bath House allowing herself to be seen naked with a body that people struggle to not stare at – because it frightens them. That they too could become a person that struggles with cancer. There are so many ways that people get to really touch their own well of personal courage.  The ways that we get to touch that brave part of ourselves is quite endless.

Infertility is a disease that affects people from all races, professions and economic levels. We struggle to do what others think “comes naturally.” We desire to be a part of a community which often centers on family and children. We too, would like told hold our infant among adoring relatives, push our strollers down the avenue, and see simple wonders of the world through the eyes of our child. We want what most people in America and indeed, around the world value the most in their lives…a family.

Often, we feel set apart of the daily rituals of our community. Something as commonplace as a family gathering, a baby’s Bris or Christening or even how we choose to spend a Saturday afternoon, can be yet another line of division between ourselves and our fertile friends and family. I would like to take a minute, acknowledge those of you who are reading this, and have been affected by infertility  – for  your personal courage..

But it is only in my life time, that infertility has come out of the closet. For the television shows and print media, one would think that infertility is a very public issue these days. But today, the media, if not us, have come out of the closet. We only have to turn on the television or open a magazine to see the personal dramas of infertility played out through the eyes of a script writer, reporter or producer. It might be encouraging for you to know, despite the coverage, that on average, the infertile as a group spend less than three years in treatment and most of us leave treatment with biological connected children.

Much has been said about the patient perspective of the perfect infertility physician. In doing my reading on the topic, I read a wonderful joke that has been used to describe the doctor/patient relationship. Angels in heaven were all lined up in the cafeteria waiting to be served dinner. Suddenly, a conspicuous angel appeared wearing a white lab coat and a stethoscope, who started pushing his way to the front of the line. A new angel turned to an older one and asked, “Why in heaven would an angel act like that?” The senior angel shrugged his shoulders and responded, “Oh, that’s just G-d. Sometimes He likes to play doctor!”

What this joke plays to is the public perception of the physician as G-d. But we often do not discuss the qualities of the perfect patient, except of course the advantages of youth and having infertility as part of your health care package! Using this example of the heavens, an image can also be made of the patient as an angel, who allows herself to be pushed aside and quietly suffers. Interestingly, the word patient comes from the Latin word, “pati”, meaning “to suffer.” In fact, the adjective patient is defined as “bearing pains and trials calmly or without complaint.” The implication is that a patient must suffer silently like an angel.

I was never a silent angel. I was not a perfect patient either. But I gradually learned to be an effective patient. This transformation became about as I gradually figured out that I did not have to be a victim of infertility. I could be a survivor.

I think that the first step in surviving, is that we as patients in infertility have an especially difficult time dismissing the image of “The Doctor as G-d”. After all, especially in the treatment of infertility, the doctor can be seen as the giver of life. And let’s face it, we hang on every word. But to be an effective patient, we must learn to see the doctor that cares for us as a person with special skills instead of a G-d like figure. Only then, when we feel less intimidated, can we communicate more naturally with our doctor.

Effective patients approach infertility as a couple’s problem (when there is a partner!). Even when only one half of the couple has been identified as having the medical condition, it does not mean that both halves are not affected by the disease of infertility. The infertility work up, evaluation, and treatment is handled so much more effectively when both members of the couple participate in the office visits and have an understanding of the tests and procedures they have to go through. A couple who approaches infertility as a unit and shares the involvement in their treatment, is better able to support each other and make better decisions about their treatment and options. Remember when you try to divide an elephant in half, you have a mess, not two small elephants. In order for us to get through this we have to communicate and support each other with this elephant and not go off in different directions.

To be a survivor, we have to learn to ask questions about their treatment. Ask your physician direct questions about treatment shortcomings, alternative tests and therapies. For example, Is age a factor in this success rate? Will it hurt? How much will it hurt? What are the complications? What are the benefits of this treatment over others? It can be helpful to come prepared with your questions written down. To be an effective patient, you need to fully understand your tests and treatments in order to follow directions properly.

Survivors tell the doctor when he or she is failing them. This is probably the hardest thing for patients to do. I think we all have this fantasy, that if our “doctor really, really likes us” and we are “very good patients”, our doctor will try harder to get us pregnant. Communicating to a physician when we are unhappy about how we are being treated or the way our treatment is going can be very intimidating. It may one day happen, while you are in treatment, that you get upset about how certain procedures were handled or how you were handled while going through the procedure.

The emotional pain from such incidences can dig deeply when you are chronically in treatment and feel like so much depends on each cycle. These feelings can ultimately affect the doctor/patient relationship. But your doctor cannot be held responsible without first being made aware of how you feel and then being allowed the opportunity to respond. The doctor/patient relationship in infertility treatment is an intense one. And as in any relationship, both the positive and negative issues that occur need to be discussed and not avoided. Sometimes when we have been in treatment with a physician for an extended period of time without a pregnancy everybody gets frustrated, including the doctor! We can feel as if our doctor does not see us anymore. At times like these it can really help to schedule a sit down consultation when you can be sure your doctor has reviewed your treatment and you have her undivided attention.

Survivors understands that they have to be their own best advocate and seek education on both the medical and emotional aspects of infertility. The fact that you are reading this blog… tells me that you are a survivor. The professionals that take care of us, will probably tell you that infertility patients are probably most medically versed of all patients. However, we may overlook information about the feelings brought on by our infertility. A good way to begin is to check out the resources that I have listed in this blog and the links section. Check out our support groups or try reading about the emotional aspects of infertility. Infertility is one of the most stressful life crises you are likely to ever experience.

Infertility can shake the core of your being. But try to remember that while infertility is stressful, the feelings of stress are normal and expected, but not permanent. I promise you, you will not feel the way you feel today, forever. However, while we are in treatment and daily dealing with the pain of infertility, we need to find ways to cope and come out of this experience a whole person.

Educational and support groups do exist – and try to help.  Many people find that doing yoga, meditation, and exercise can also be helpful. I know it’s hard, and I couldn’t always do it, but try not to give up your life while you are going through this. Try not to let the stress of infertility isolate you. If you can find an infertility buddy through your program, or the message boards, this can be a life saver. Who else will listen to how many follicles you produced and the condition of uterine lining for hours on end?

The patient who is a survivor who have learned to take an active role in the medical team, interpret success rates, is an educated consumer, gets emotional support in order to gain insight and encouragement for our personal choices, and sometimes, the effective patient has to know when it is time to stop being a patient.

Take one step towards leaving being a victim behind. Try being an active participant in the treatment process rather than a passive recipient of medical intervention. Make contingency plans with your doctor and spouse, what will we do if this treatment option or adoption plan does not work out. Remember, patients who are able to see the physician as a person, not a deity, don’t have to act like angels sitting silently in the wings.

It is has been said that the measure of success is how we handle the journey rather than its actual outcome. I know what you want. I wish for all of you the same thing you are wishing for yourselves – a healthy baby.

But try to not let the achievement of this goal be the only measure of your success. While you are riding the infertility roller coaster, try taking control of the moment and feel the success in just that. .

Through this experience, that you never wanted; through the tears and frustration, you and your partner will grow in ways that you can’t even imagine in this moment. For many of you,  your love and strength for each other will tighten like a vine on a tree.

I believe in your strength and your courage. I have sat where you are sitting today. I have felt like the floor was opening beneath my feet, and my biggest accomplishment for the moment was that I was breathing. You will come through this. And you will write your own individual “happily ever after”. I hold out my hand to you and wish you a short journey.

Posted under infertiity